Belated Passage: Alfred Hamilton 1920-2004

Last weekend's Portland road-trip tribulation presented a few new stories for the ages: A new nickname; A profane jager-induced rage at a Van Halen cover-band playing Haggar; A "No-athon"; Chasing Mariah around with a DLR residue-laced hand.

But one segment stuck-out in my mind from the return trip. I've made note of this road-side display on several previous I-5 trips, but like many items in my life, that note had been repeatedly filed deep into my ADD-adled archives. This time I kept thinking about it afterwards - clearly a lifetime of exposure to this I-5 landmark had pushed aside all other higher brain functions.


For I-5 travelling Warsh-ingtonians, the Uncle Sam billboard between Chehalis & Centralia has become both an unsightly attraction & the purest form of 1st Amendment use. I'm normally hit with a combo-punch of both descriptions - inducing a nervous chuckle.

Again, this exposure pushed me deep into thought about the who's, what's, & why's behind Chehalis' beloved/hated Uncle Sam. The initial searches for all things Uncle Sam were incredibly fruitless - "Washington" and "Uncle Sam" led google into empty pastures. But after several deep caches, I finally found a name and obituary:

Alfred Hamilton, 1920-2004:
He Put Conservative Views on Billboard

Photo: Hamilton and Billboard - 1972
(Note: Answers that spawn more questions - Who the hell is Bill Caruth?)

As you can see, Hamilton's death hit the AP and was quickly carried nationwide:
New York Times: "Highway's Message Board Now Without a Messenger"
San Fran Chronicle: "Washington State Loses a Unique Free-speech Icon"

And what a surprise! Our dear wingnuts at the Freerepublic also picked it up:
"Owner of I-5's 'Uncle Sam' Billboard Dies at 84"
(w/ 50+ fun posts of Freeper commentary)

The best resource as always is the one closest to ground zero. I went through the Chehalis Chronicle archives & found (and paid for) a total gem of an obituary. From this, I've been able to piece-together a biographical sketch of sorts for this free-speech anti-hero:

Born: March 31, 1920, in Chehalis to parents Frank and Edith Hamilton.

Attended the one-room Valley School and later studied at what is now Washington State University - never graduating.

From daughter Sherryl Zurek:
"If he graduated, he would have been drafted. He quit early so he could get a deferment, and he farmed instead of going into the service."
(Wow, a draft-dodger - and dodged WWII no less!)

Married Ruth Knoles in 1942.He raised sheep, then started raising turkeys, producing as many as 20,000 to 30,000 a year on the land just north of Midway Meats and west of Interstate 5. Hamilton became interested in real estate, building and leasing the Ribeye restaurant and McDonald's on the land left him by his father
(Turner, Tyler, Anna & I used to swear by the Ribeye's "Irish Nacho" goodness)

He originally built the sign in 1971 at the instigation of his wife, who found that the state was spending more money on welfare than on schools.
(See? That damned Eve made me do it)

In 1971, then-state Attorney General Slade Gorton filed a lawsuit against Hamilton for his billboard under the Scenic Vista Act.
(An interesting 1st Amendment case - you can read the lawsuit resolution in it's entirety here):
STATE v. HAMILTON 1979

Tom Bradshaw, pastor of Chehalis First Christian Church, gives us this Al Hamilton profile:
"He stood about 6-3 or 6-4, and weighed 200 pounds or so. He gave you the feeling he was the kind of man you wouldn't want to mess with."
(Amen, brother)

I also managed to hunt down a few select photos of Uncle Al's sayings. Most NW excursionists are familiar with the subject matter: an endless tirade against all things Liberal, Commie, Red, Pinko & Blue - and every hue in-between. Again, either making us giggle or stressing our over-caffienated AVM's (usually both).

Tyler and the other Evergreen State College Alumni reminded me of this Al Hamilton gold - Later used by Evergreen as an actual postcard sold in their gift-shop. I still think they should make a T-shirt of this one - I'd wear it:


Here's one that found Herr Hamilton at odds with the Bush admin. A tirade here against all those who oppose America-as-birth-right:


The close 2004 gubernatorial election between Gregoire/Rossi made us all pretty tense. Apparently, Al was so tense he skipped the ladder:


And of course the Iraq War would weigh heavily on the mind of a WWII draft-dodger - evoking this grevience against all us quagmire/civil-war protesters. We also see what might be our final view of Chehalis' favorite bristled curmudgeon.

(Unintentional comedy: I would stay seated and support the UW in Pullman's Martin stadium - let alone the gates of hell.)

From the various articles, several other Al-isms were recorded - all in caps of course. Tongue-depresser handy? Good, your going to need it:

"BOOTH GARDNER:
A MAN WHO THINKS TWICE BEFORE HE SAYS NOTHING."

"PACKWOOD RETIRES
AFTER TWENTY-SEX YEARS IN SENATE"

"GOVERNORS LIKE LOWRY DON'T GROW ON TREES.
THEY SWING FROM THEM."

"DOES LOCKE SUPPORT ALL DRUNK DRIVERS?"
(editor's note: WHAT?)

"AIDS TURNS FRUITS INTO VEGETABLES." (Yikes)

"THERE ARE NO BILLBOARDS IN RUSSIA, CUBA, OR COMMUNIST CHINA."

But with all the blathering bravado, Al's friend and turkey business partner George Duby gives us this all-important crux:

"Even though we disagreed on many things, I think it made our friendship stronger."

And quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson, Duby adds:

"It is always better to be a thorn in the side of your friend than an echo." (Don't I know!)

And fear not, road-side attractioneer: Al's death in 2004 - apparently of Alzheimers & Cancer - did not silence Uncle Sam. The Hamilton fam is stepping-in and accepting the curmudgeon torch. Testimonial: new anti-immigrant script up last weekend (all caps) for your drive-by viewing pleasure.

Here's the near-to-exact map-quest:
1360 Rush Rd. Chehalis, WA 98532-8728

If you can, please don't just pass it by. Pull over, take a photo, and then post it here - a living shrine to Washington's favorite free-speech rebel.

Afterwards, drop by the Ribeye for some Irish Nachos. Leave a tater-skin behind for Al.

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."
~Voltaire

Bibliography:
Lawton, Mark. "'Uncle Sam' Billboard Owner Dies."
Chehalis Chronicle 10 Nov. 2004, local ed.

Senator Santorum (R-PA) compares America to "The Land of Sorrow"

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), decided to exhibit a fine case of hoof/mouth disease:

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else," Santorum said, describing the tool the evil Lord Sauron used in search of the magical ring that would consolidate his power over Middle-earth.

"It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S." Santorum continued. "You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States"

For proper analysis of Santorum's hoof/mouth, it's obvious that several things must be promptly shunted off the table.

First off, Time and Space go bye-bye due to the fact that Bush's Real Iraq Adventure-turned-quagmire started in 2003, whereas Tolkien wrote his Fantasy books in 1954,

Secondly, we also have to say adios to JRR Tolkien's thoughts on his own work:
"As for any inner meaning or 'message', it has in the intention of the author none. It is neither allegorical nor topical."
~JRR Tolkien, Forward, Lord of the Rings

But okay, Santorum has decided to live in his own fantasyland. You know, the same fantasyland that argues "Staying the course" will lead to "victory", without defining either "the course" or "victory". For the sake of Illuvatar-knows-what, let's just set aside time/space and Tolkien's post-humous "fuck you", and endulge Herr Santorum with his analogy.

The first part seems pretty straight forward:

The Army at the gates of Mordor as a distraction for the Eye of Sauron
-is to-
US military in Iraq as a distraction to "terrorism"

Seems fairly straight forward. But distracting The Eye of Sauron (terrorism) from what? As you can see, from this point on Santorum's comparison falls apart exponentially... or maybe not? Taking the comparison to it's proper fruition:

The Eye of Sauron (Terrorism) is being distracted by the army marching toward at The Black Gate (Iraq). Because of this distraction, the Eye of Sauron (Terrorism) is focused away from MORDOR (America) .
DOH!!! (or hmmmmmmmm....).

Perhaps we should just set-aside Time/Space or Tolkien's grave-rolling and post-humous fuck you's & just take Santorum at his word. C'mon ABCNews, grow some minerals and run with this headline:

"Senator Santorum Compares America to Mordor"
(ie, The Black Land/Land of Sorrow)

Alright don't then, you cowards - but I will.

Note: A few other blogerrific individuals have been hard at work mining this story...
Blogger Allyn properly connects Santorum's logic - noting the the army in LOTR was being sent on a complete suicide mission. Santorum forgets of course that the US(Mordor) owns no magic rings.(???)
On a lighter note, photo funster Kvatch has fun with Santorum (ie, The Mouth of Sauron).

Note 2: For shits-n-giggles, do a google search of "Santorum" and hit "I'm feeling lucky". You google-bombing pranksters/geniuses, you!

Another Conspiracy Pictorial

Suddenly noticing glass-blown chandeliers everywhere. Seems to be a reoccurring NW phenomenon. Chihuly season?

Big ol' article about Chihuly in the Seattle Times last weekend. Then last night I clicked-over to PBS and saw another - a re-run about Dale melting big ice cubes somewhere in Israel. I had it on mute. I may have missed an abstract thematic element or two.

So what's the occasion?
Perhaps Chihuly farted somewhere & the usual-suspect socialite-flocks gathered around the cloud for a wine-tasting vigil (sans candles).

Or perhaps there's a darker cabal at work here. I know, can't get much darker than socialite flocks. But maybe - just maybe - some secret is trying to keep itself buried.

Yes, Chihuly is suddenly & conspicuously in the public eye again. But someone else is even more suddenly & conspicuously absent.

Anomaly:
Two moderately well-known celebs (of sorts) are never in the same place at the same time.

Modi Operandi:
Dale Chihuly at some point must lower the ravioli spoon & work-out, lest suffer a massive coronary code-out;
Richard Simmons routinely faces see-saw weight loss/gains, and must somehow conceal gains, lest lose work-out mogul revenue.



Hypotheses:
Simmons reaches maximum density, dons the classic eye-patch disguise (!!!) & orders around hippies for a few months - thus concealing weight-gain (barely);

Chihuly feels chest pain, dusts-off the pink short-shorts, & sweats to some oldies - thus putting some tock back in the ticker.

...Life from death - Phoenix from ash - and the Circle of Life starts anew...

Note: Obviously still some big unknowns remain. There's still no accounting for Simmons' twinkie voice, tippy-toe gait, or drop-of-a-hat crying-spells. Weight waxing/waning will produce strange side-affects, I suppose.

Just Raising the Question...

Is Edward Klein a Sam Raimi fan?



This of course related to my conservative/skeletor conspiracy theory. More on that later.

MP Geraldo?

Geraldo Rivera for Israeli Knesset?

Don't really have a big opinion or tirade to make about this. Other than the fact that Geraldo is a total douchebag. A "Doosh Banoony" some might say.

But I did find this statement funny:
"Can you imagine me going nose to nose
with my fellow legislators from some of the
narrowly based parties?"
(bold print mine)

Yeah, & with no joke attached. I'm just suprised he didnt say "shnoz to shnoz". Can you imagine?

Signs your religion might suck (or totally rule!)

Disclaimer: ALL religions suck - some just more than others. (& you thought Christ's melt-in-your-mouth, blood-&-body-snacks were strange)

Shiite Holy day of Ashura, Honoring the martyrdom of Hussein, the 3rd Immam & rightful successor to Muhammad (according to the Shi'a muslims, & dividing line between Shi'a & Sunni)

I must say, pretty cool if your into the whole "spiritually sanctioned S&M", but don't let us stop you - reality TV isn't even this good (yet)

Note: the AP & others included a bunch of mamby-pamby captions (yawn) - so I've taken some artistic license with mine. Look for some choice shots near the bottom.

Recipe for Ashurafest (AKA "Ashurapalooza"):

Step 1: Sharpen-up some 4 inch blades Step 2: Hang blades from cat-o-nine-tails chain whip. (Chris, you need to produce some of these in your weapon forge) Steps 3-138: Flog yourself with knife chain whips
(repeat as necessary) "Hey, keep-up with the rest of us, Fridge!" Blade envy. But we've got the biggest blades of them all!
I did this once, but it was more of a Chris Benoit head-butt onto a Ukulele
Oh wow, Im having so much fun! You wanna lose some weight real quick? How about 6 pints? Awwwww, aren't they adorable? Fun for the whole fam! And now for the punchlines: "Yeah mom, can I call you back in a sec... I need to go flagellate again" "I'm sorry ma'am - no nail-clippers allowed...
Only knife-whips & scimitars beyond this point" "Damnit, I knew I should've bought the 1280x1024 mpx screen"

And now, the big show-stopper (drumroll please): Guess who's taking over the ship when we leave Iraq?
What could possibly go wrong!?

PS, Is this blog going to start riots?

Snakes on a Plane

The Plot:

"On board a flight over the Pacific Ocean, an assassin, bent on killing a passenger who's a witness in protective custody, lets loose a crate full of deadly snakes" (IMDB)

Once again, the name of the Movie: Snakes on a Plane! Good lord, does this ever spark my curiousity! Just what can we expect from this non-stop action-packed thrill-ride? And what creative GENIUS marketing team barfed-forth this title? Well, this gets a tad cloudy, but it looks like all thanks goes to non-other than Samuel L Jackson:

"The studio tried to change the flick's name to Pacific Air Flight 121 earlier this year, but star Samuel L. Jackson balked, saying the original title ('Snakes on a Plane') was a big reason he signed on." (wired.com)

Good move, Sammy J. What could go wrong with that? I can see it now: Tyler & Melissa (big thanks for the alert you two) and yours truly sit in an empty theatre. The lights dim. The credits roll:
New Line Cinema presents... A Craig Berensen production... Samuel L Jackson...

Snakes on a Plane!
(dramatic music blasts)
Oh man, stomach so tight right now. I gotta go sit down & breath into a bag before I blow a gasket.

I could be wrong, but I do believe that if the above scenario occurs, I may break some ribs.

Medical Madness

I glanced passed this on someone's "funny photos" page, but here's the punchline: Oh dude, this is real.

Olympic Medical - "Papoose board"

Sweet fancy moses. I would say I was glad that these werent around when I was younger, but they come in ADULT sizes.

Hands up - who sees me in one these before the end of the year?

Freak Collection, Part VII: Mother Goose

Computer just crashed. Yes, literally crashed. The shelf holding it gave-away, and it hit ground-zero - yanking out all the connections.

Mother & Elderfreak were at the desk watching this happen. Mother just started laughing. I got down on the knees & started trying to get it all put back together. Cords too short - had to pretzel my arm around & blindly poke at holes (this ever happen to you? heheh).

But Mother watched me & just kept laughing (& laughing & laughing...)

"Oh, look how cute Nate looks when he's all frusterated. hahahahah", she said. Bah! ("You'll pay for that later in my blog", I said to myself, clenching a fist).

Then she started to monkey around. Mother picks up the desk phone & just starts randomly pressing numbers, laughing hysterically.

"I think I now know where (MMR) gets it from", I said. Elderfreak heartily agreed.

THEN, Mother nudges a pop can off the edge of the counter (empty, thank cuthulu):

"Oooops. Hahahahahahah!"

This went on for half an hour. Happy happy joy joy.

Mother informed me that they'd all be out by the weekend. No worries, they'll all be IN my apt building after that! I saw that Mother was in an especially liggy mood, so I built up enough courage to say:

"You know, with all 3 of you in that apt, you should strongly consider calling NBC or Fox & having them send over a camera crew. This has Reality TV written all over it"

"Yeah, that-there is a good idea. Lord knows I'll have my hands full"

I think a group photo is in order. Actual wildlife photography would be the ultimate, no?

Note: In other news from work, there's a new fish in the tank on the 5th floor that completely FREAKS OUT when anyone gets too close. I think you know what happened next

FRESH FISH! FRESH FISH! FRESH FISH! *tap tap tap tap tap tap*

I think I made it do a triple-sowcow.

New Characters, Part VI: Mother Pumpkin

No, not Sister Christian - Mother Pumpkin

No groundbreaking developments in the lives of Elder, Mother & MMR. Well, not unless you include another night of exodus for MMR. Apparently, she took off from the overlords (again), & then got lost somewhere in Seattle. I asked Elder whereabouts she was, and he said "she wouldnt tell us". Note: Elder confirmed the earlier report that MMR is in her 40s (43).

Mother came down later, & we had a pretty lengthy discussion about Pierre Trudeau. Yeah, I still can't remember how that started. At one point she mentioned going to a Pro-life demo in Olympia next week, and invited yours truly. I respectively declined... but now I'm having second thoughts. Imagine the material one could glean from that Pro-life roadtrip with the clan, no?

During this discussion, MMR briefly poked her head around the corner and Mother screamed "You git right back upstairs and go to bed now". MMR giggled, emitted a few squeaks and left. MMR tends to make her appearances this way - the peak around the corner. Which is funny, because it always suprises me (joyfully) - a feeling much like a baby during a round of peak-a-boo.

The grandfather clock struck 12 and Mother exclaimed: "Well, I better get to bed before I git turned into a pumpkin!".

I said, "Well that would be an interesting security call"

"What would you say?", she asked

"Oh, I'd probably report a missing person, and then ask them to bring over a carving knife, candle & some pie crust" (har har)

Laughs

"Don't worry, I promise that I will turn you into a FANTASTIC jack-o-lantern", I said, sizing-up her head in a finger-frame.

Laughs

Note: Mother actually closely resembles (both in looks & legalistic beliefs) my mom's aunt Marie - a favorite of mine. Perhaps this explains my growing fondness for her clan.

Or perhaps at one point we were all seperated from the same pod when the visitors landed.

Pokey the Penguin vs. Rick Wallace: The Complete Saga

(The following was compiled & emailed to me in 1999 by good friend & Gummo percussionist extraordinaire - Scott Schickler)

Long ago - circa 1997 - in an online world much smaller than ours today, there existed a comic to end all comics: Pokey the Penguin. Hooooray!


Pokey was the creation of macpaint GENIUS Steve Havelka.

Pokey had several friends & got in many uneventful situations. Some of my favorite were:
Pokey & the Pirates
Mr. Nutty
Pokey has the Unternet
All them can still be viewed here: Pokey the Penguin Archive

Also making his mark on cyberworld was one
"Rick Wallace"


Rick was a 20 year old entrepreneur & ladies man. So much a ladies man in fact, that Rick sent out a message of desperation on his webpage - much like a Sea cucumber releasing sperm:
RICK WALLACE NEEDS YOU!!!

Rick also detailed his sexual tyrannosaur prowess here:
----------------------------------------------------------------
Rick's Dating Statistics
How many girlfriends I've ever had: 0
How many dates I've ever been on: 0
How many times I've been kissed by a girl: 0
How many times I've been hugged by a girl: 0
How many times I've ever held a girl's hand: 0
How many times a girl has ever asked me to sit with her at assembly: 0
How many times a girl has ever asked me to sit with her at vespers: 0
How many times a girl has ever asked me to sit with her at the cafeteria: 0
How many times a girl has ever asked me to sit with her at all: 0
How many times a girl has ever said 'Hello' to me: 0
How many times a girl has ever smiled at me: 0
How many girls have ever wanted to associate themselves with me: 0
How many girls probably even care: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------

These two cyberworlds were about to collide.

One day - in the fall of 1998 - Pokey decided that Rick needed a friend - and included Rick in one of his many zany adventures...

This episode - Number 214 in the archive - is seemlingly lost; wiped clean by the cyber-sands of time... UNTIL NOW! (man was I ever bored at work last night):









Included in this Episode was a link to Rick's sperm-in-the-water webpage.

A lion's share of online bullies (ie the entire internet community circa '98) descended upon the hapless Rick Wallace - much like a pack of wolves around a weak duckling. Emails came in like hornets - stinging poor Rick... and no my friends - sadly, not one from that special girl.


Rick promptly shut-down his website... BUT TOO LATE! The Archiving internet bullies of '97 had already created multiple mirrored sights... CURSE THEM!

At his very whits-end, Rick sent several cease & desist emails to Pokey & Co.

Letter to Pokey: "Please stop"

Letter to Pokey: "Pretty please?"

Letter to Pokey: Legal threat

Despite the 3-day grace period (!!!), Pokey did not respond!
And so the hapless Rick Wallace (no relation to William Wallace - thank God) appealed to a higher power: Daddy Donald E. Wallace...

Letter from Pops Wallace to Pokey: Legal threat

This obviously upset our hero Pokey (peace be upon him, hoooooray!), & warranted a response. This letter could be the greatest response to threatened legal action:

Pokey's reply: "HAVE A VERY FUN DAY!!!!"

Of course Pokey was right, & the mirrors won the day... HOOORAY!... I mean, BOOO!! you mean ol' Cyber-bullies, BOOOO!

Sad ending? I think not. Here was the big update. Our other lonely hero Rick Wallace finally got a response to his pleas (I assume).
Wedding Album - Rick & Elizabeth Wallace

Now this is still a highly debateable development, but you be the judge, do the photos match?:


HOOORAY FOR POKEY THE PENGUIN!!!!
& HOOOORAY FOR MR. & MRS. RICK WALLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yarns update II - Santa's Parting Words

Apparently my friend and yours Santa has yet another entry in his extensive resume': "Shadow Walker"

"If I'm coming at you from the distance, you can see me... but dont look away. If you look away, I'll be on you before you know it." (snaps his fingers)

I told him that I would remember not to look away. To which he retorted:

"That wont work. I'll be there in your grill between blinks. You wont even know what hit you, or what killed you. "
(Yikes)

"You see, I'm a shadow walker. I dont move on the ground. I move between ticks on the clock"
(he said the last part really slow and dramatically)

So now I'm sitting here, Santa-less... and I'm so pissed. Why oh why didnt I get a live test of Shadow walking. Damnit, I coulda seen Chairman Ho's nemisis in his true form. I might have even gotten a lesson from this Zen master.

Farewell Shadow walker. Perhaps I will you see you again on my next Moses Lake visit.

yarns update

Santa just showed up again. He said the following:

"If Christine Gregiore is elected governor, and she gets all big-headed and arrogant, I predict that she may be the first governor in this state to be assassinated." (Jaw drops)

"I'm serious, because theres a whoooooole lotta wackos out there"

Yikes... thanks for that, Santa.

yarns spun, sweaters made

Justin Merrill and I once worked with a guy named Dusty who was the biggest liar in the universe. The problem was that Dusty's lies were so intricate, complicated, and interesting, that you stopped caring about being lied to, and started caring about how to secretly document everything that spilled from Dusty's mouth. He was like some sort of maniacal Garrison Keillor. (more on Dusty later).

Such was my predicament this evening/morning. An elderly man came to the desk around 11pm. Looked like a balding skinny Santa. Actually, he looked like Turner's dad in 20 years with longer hair. While I was in the back room, my co-worker David told him that I would be working all night, and that he should come back tell me "his jokes and riddles" (out of sight, I made furious throat slashing gestures, but to no avail). David later said he was sorry. No apologies, David.

Santa turns up around midnight, and started letting the jokes slip. Then the riddles... yawn. I'm so bad at riddles. Then we talked books, then Science Fiction. He's a big Star Trek fan, and I possess a remedial working knowledge on the subject (few episodes of the original series, and the movies).

After that reservoir ran dry, the ground just seemed to open up.

The first indication came with his bravado about being a Scientist, Chess champion, top of his class in Law School, and then recently released from prison - apparently doing time in San Quinten ("God help you if you get sent there"). He said:

"I'll tell you what, the first thing you do at that prison is beat-up the biggest guy there... that'll earn you respect"...
(mmmmmkay)

Then came more monologues (as I frantically grasp for a legal pad):

"I got my guard fired because he cut-up my mail. They don't expect to have a law student inmate. I reported him to the district attorney. They threatened him with federal mail tampering. Long story short, for the rest of my stay, I received 4 different jigsaw puzzles every month for the rest of my stay..."
(jigsaw puzzles!??! What, no dope?)

"I once got in a verbal war with a fellow inmate. I told him to answer the following questions... if he didn't know that answer, I told him to say 'I don't know':I asked him, "how long does it take a bee to get from here to there"The inmate said, "I don't know"... I asked him "how long does it take a bird to get from here to there"... Again, "I don't know". Then asked him what color an orange was: he said, "Orange". Then asked him what the name of the boy was who never wanted to grow up: He said "Peter Pan". I responded, "Well it seems you know nothing about the birds and the bees, but seem to know a lot about fruits and fairies!"
(zing)

"I once leaned on a fellow inmate and asked him 'Whats the difference between a bear and a queer'... 'A bear would never let a man lean on him'"
(bing)

Then came inmate-turned-government-sought-after Physicist:

"I once created a laser that completely revolutionizes any beam of light on earth, including blue lasers. Even the government wanted it. I gave a live test for military officials in the middle of the Nevada desert once: one touch of a button and this laser cut in-two an M1A1 tank w/8" armor. The government demanded the specs. I gave it to them, but the ink disappeared when it hit their hands. I told them to 'forget it' & that I was averse to any brainwashing possibilities. To this day they try to get the information, but they know they'll have to kill me first, so they'll never get it... and thats a true story"
(he seriously ended the story this way)

"I told the government that the only way they would get the information is if it was given to all sides... you know, to balance the equation. They said 'no dice' and so did I"
(I think I saw this in the movie "Sneakers")

"I once created a sound-system that could produce a frequency that can coagulate every square-inch of blood in your body. You're dead before you hit the ground"

"I know of untapped Gold and Silver deposits still in the cascades. No one else knows of these locations. I once went up there, came back with a few nuggets, walked into a gun store and bought a 30-aught-six with no cash, no credit, no paperwork, and best of all: no questions asked" (holy moses!)

This of course, transitioned into a funny - albeit frightening - gun discussion:

"I don't carry your normal gun. I only a carry a gun that once I draw it - yer dead. No pea-shooter here. So powerful, if I aim it at your hand, you'll lose an arm"

"I carry a 44 auto mag. And I don't buy ammo from any store: too many questions, too much paper-work, and it wont ever pierce body armor. No sir, I build my own at home"

"I once walked into a gun store with my 44 and my armor piercing home-mades. I told the owner I could cut through any piece of armor they had in stock. He put 3 Teflon shields on a dummy. I took 50 military paces, ("thats a huge store," I thought), then turned and shot. Not only did it blow a hole in the front, but it also blew a hole on exit, and embedded itself in the wall behind. I walked out of there with $2,500, 'cause there was no way I'm gonna demonstrate without no green on the screen"

Then came the long one about being ex-black-ops. (I grip the pen until my knuckles turn white):

"Yeah I used to be Military. Vietnam. Black ops. Government wrote me a death certificate even before I went out. Our teams only existed on paper - combustible paper. My folks heard 'Rumors of death highly exaggerated' on many occasion"

"Ho Chi Min had a 4 1/2 million dollar price on my head - and thats American green, not VC ruble. I once had 'the Chairman' in my sights, but was ordered to hit his 2nd in command. Shattered Chairman Ho's tea cup though!"
(VC Ruble. I can still hear him saying that. I think I might borrow that one)

"On more than one occasion, I had in my sight the head of Chairman Ho... just one squeeze of the trigger, and the war's over. But I was never given that order. And I ain't gonna get locked in the brig for the rest of my natural born life!"

Later military career:

"I once guarded a nuclear facility. Got a 2-star Lieutenant General retired. Heres how: This General had the base locked up as tight as a duck's butt (or some metaphor to that affect, I forget). But I managed to sneak in a portable timed bomb - set for 10 seconds. When this 2-star was forced to resign for my actions, he once asked me why I only set it for 10 secs. I told him that with a blast like that, its gonna be a one-way ticket."

And then there was a bunch more about joining Civil war gaming clubs, and dominating so hard that he would get kicked out by the moderators. (of course, he would always play the confederacy).

I'll report back soon with any more yarn sequels. Also, I'll post a prequel of "Dusty's tirades" later...

hee hee

At first I thought for sure this was a staffer goof/prank on O'Reilly, but it hasnt been picked-up yet, so perhaps they missed it. From the viewer emails during the show, see for yourself:

"Jack Mehoffer, Springfield, Massachusetts says, "O'Reilly, I see the new Fox definition of fair and balanced means interviewing DNC chief Terry McAuliffe at both conventions."

Well, right you are, Mr. Mehoffer. Newt Gingrich appeared with us at both conventions. So did Mr. McAuliffe. What's the beef, sir? It is long past time to stop the partisan nonsense. Fox News gives airtime to all responsible viewpoints. And our commentators are clear and lively. No hidden agenda here, just flat out stimulating TV. And that's memo."

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,131373,00.html

Oh yeah... and here it is live:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/billoreilly.html

PS, ebaumsworld.com could possibly be the world's best website ever. Take a gander, but make sure to schedule several hours out, and pack-in a hernia belt

Milli Vanilli part II

I know that this is desperately immature, incredibly cliche', and that people are dying everyday in Iraq, but I just have to:


Oh, and here's the burned-into-cyberspace-history HIGH-larious moment, to be archived for all-time. Thank god for digital TV recording.
video.bmj.net/busted/simpsonfuckup.mpg

Kidzones.gov

As many of you know, Im a HUGE fan of government pages containing a section for all you wee-ones, whipper-snappers, lil-shavers, and pesky-youngsters out there.

Heres a few great examples:

FBI for Kids!
http://www.fbi.gov/kids/k5th/kidsk5th.htm

Dude, check out Maureen. She looks like she doesnt even need a dog to sniff out the contraband
http://www.fbi.gov/kids/k5th/aboutus2.htm

OMG! Joe too! they all look pretty pissed! "Dont use drugs kids... ROAAAAAR!"
http://www.fbi.gov/kids/k5th/whatwedo2.htm

Steve, Kim and Wayne too... "Hola Chicos, me llamo 'Wayne'" Bwahahahaha! Que Lastima Senor Wayne!
http://www.fbi.gov/kids/k5th/jobs1.htm

CIA for Kids! Try on your own disguise! Learn the secret black-op spy Blow-job technique to gain information! (just kidding)
http://www.cia.gov/cia/ciakids/index_2.shtml

FCC Kidzone!
(Federal Communications Commission, or "Federales Commie Creeps" as I like to call them)
http://www.fcc.gov/cgb/kidszone/games.html

a puzzle game where the picture reveals FCC chief Michael Powell and others. (note: not related to tavern game with the naked chick)
http://www.fcc.gov/cgb/kidszone/games/puzzle/puzzle.html

National Security Agency (NSA) for Kids! (with your guide "Crypto the Cat")
http://www.nsa.gov/kids/intro.htm

...and of course, The White House Kids home! including the all-important, global-impacting, human events hinging, "Barney Photo of the Day"
http://www.whitehouse.gov/kids/

Enjoy your daily dose of government branding kids!

Dont do school and stay in drugs!

"Peeance Freeance"

This is an oldy but goody. I posted this one on other blogs when I came across the whitehouse.com source video of the press-conference.

"It’s in the interest of uh, long-term peace in the world that we -- uhh -- work for a free and secure and peaceful Iraq. A peeance, freeance secure Iraq in the midst of the Middle East will have enormous historical impact."

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2003/10/20031027-1.html#

Fast forward the video 3/4ths through the conference. Then check it out live (and see the whiplash reaction from Paul Bremer). If you could put words to that reflex, they would be "Whadju-talkin-bout Willis!"

Enjoy, and be afraid.

Nate Reviews: "Left Behind"

This could possibly be the best unintentional cult-flick since reefer madness - and I mean that in the movie genre sense, and in the Christian fundamentalist sense.

My friend and I took a gander and watched this would-be Christian prostelitizing tool. It was one of our more worthy blind-rentals. Our laughter kept our neighbors awake, and kept us in seizures the whole time.

Kirk "Too straight for Growing Pains" Cameron is in rare form as ace-reporter (get this): BUCK WILLIAMS. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! This just gives you a taste of this propagandist turd/cult-movie gem. Seriously, no excersize will compare to the ab-flexing torturous yucks that Left Behind provides.

I have not yet viewed the straight-to-video sequel, but it also stars "Buck Cameron" (hee hee) and if its anything like Left Behind, you may have to stretch before viewing. But I should add that the TBN network (home of the future cult-TV favorite: Benny Hinn), is host to an undiscovered treasure-trove of this 'tainment. My friend and I, still sore from "Buck and Co.", ran back and rented "Megiddo: Omego Code II". This one features burned-out-has-been Michael York ("Stone Alexander" hee hee), and a cameo by the digitally animated Big Man Downstairs himself! - no joke.

I think Jesus said it best: "Forgive them Lord, they know not what they do"

See this and my other reviews at:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00004YS9G/qid=1095426890/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-6110961-8112763?v=glance&s=dvd

There he goes again...

I think I may have to create a seperate blog devoted exclusively to new Bushisms, but there are several extensive websites for these. However, here is the latest, and it needs to be archived. Bush decides to describe what OBGYN's do for women. If you can, find the audio for this one - hes got an excitement in his voice that makes the quote twice as nuts:

"Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many O-B-G-Y-N's aren't able to practice their, their love with women all across this country"

http://news.bostonherald.com/election/view.bg?articleid=43150