Belated Passage: Alfred Hamilton 1920-2004

Last weekend's Portland road-trip tribulation presented a few new stories for the ages: A new nickname; A profane jager-induced rage at a Van Halen cover-band playing Haggar; A "No-athon"; Chasing Mariah around with a DLR residue-laced hand.

But one segment stuck-out in my mind from the return trip. I've made note of this road-side display on several previous I-5 trips, but like many items in my life, that note had been repeatedly filed deep into my ADD-adled archives. This time I kept thinking about it afterwards - clearly a lifetime of exposure to this I-5 landmark had pushed aside all other higher brain functions.


For I-5 travelling Warsh-ingtonians, the Uncle Sam billboard between Chehalis & Centralia has become both an unsightly attraction & the purest form of 1st Amendment use. I'm normally hit with a combo-punch of both descriptions - inducing a nervous chuckle.

Again, this exposure pushed me deep into thought about the who's, what's, & why's behind Chehalis' beloved/hated Uncle Sam. The initial searches for all things Uncle Sam were incredibly fruitless - "Washington" and "Uncle Sam" led google into empty pastures. But after several deep caches, I finally found a name and obituary:

Alfred Hamilton, 1920-2004:
He Put Conservative Views on Billboard

Photo: Hamilton and Billboard - 1972
(Note: Answers that spawn more questions - Who the hell is Bill Caruth?)

As you can see, Hamilton's death hit the AP and was quickly carried nationwide:
New York Times: "Highway's Message Board Now Without a Messenger"
San Fran Chronicle: "Washington State Loses a Unique Free-speech Icon"

And what a surprise! Our dear wingnuts at the Freerepublic also picked it up:
"Owner of I-5's 'Uncle Sam' Billboard Dies at 84"
(w/ 50+ fun posts of Freeper commentary)

The best resource as always is the one closest to ground zero. I went through the Chehalis Chronicle archives & found (and paid for) a total gem of an obituary. From this, I've been able to piece-together a biographical sketch of sorts for this free-speech anti-hero:

Born: March 31, 1920, in Chehalis to parents Frank and Edith Hamilton.

Attended the one-room Valley School and later studied at what is now Washington State University - never graduating.

From daughter Sherryl Zurek:
"If he graduated, he would have been drafted. He quit early so he could get a deferment, and he farmed instead of going into the service."
(Wow, a draft-dodger - and dodged WWII no less!)

Married Ruth Knoles in 1942.He raised sheep, then started raising turkeys, producing as many as 20,000 to 30,000 a year on the land just north of Midway Meats and west of Interstate 5. Hamilton became interested in real estate, building and leasing the Ribeye restaurant and McDonald's on the land left him by his father
(Turner, Tyler, Anna & I used to swear by the Ribeye's "Irish Nacho" goodness)

He originally built the sign in 1971 at the instigation of his wife, who found that the state was spending more money on welfare than on schools.
(See? That damned Eve made me do it)

In 1971, then-state Attorney General Slade Gorton filed a lawsuit against Hamilton for his billboard under the Scenic Vista Act.
(An interesting 1st Amendment case - you can read the lawsuit resolution in it's entirety here):
STATE v. HAMILTON 1979

Tom Bradshaw, pastor of Chehalis First Christian Church, gives us this Al Hamilton profile:
"He stood about 6-3 or 6-4, and weighed 200 pounds or so. He gave you the feeling he was the kind of man you wouldn't want to mess with."
(Amen, brother)

I also managed to hunt down a few select photos of Uncle Al's sayings. Most NW excursionists are familiar with the subject matter: an endless tirade against all things Liberal, Commie, Red, Pinko & Blue - and every hue in-between. Again, either making us giggle or stressing our over-caffienated AVM's (usually both).

Tyler and the other Evergreen State College Alumni reminded me of this Al Hamilton gold - Later used by Evergreen as an actual postcard sold in their gift-shop. I still think they should make a T-shirt of this one - I'd wear it:


Here's one that found Herr Hamilton at odds with the Bush admin. A tirade here against all those who oppose America-as-birth-right:


The close 2004 gubernatorial election between Gregoire/Rossi made us all pretty tense. Apparently, Al was so tense he skipped the ladder:


And of course the Iraq War would weigh heavily on the mind of a WWII draft-dodger - evoking this grevience against all us quagmire/civil-war protesters. We also see what might be our final view of Chehalis' favorite bristled curmudgeon.

(Unintentional comedy: I would stay seated and support the UW in Pullman's Martin stadium - let alone the gates of hell.)

From the various articles, several other Al-isms were recorded - all in caps of course. Tongue-depresser handy? Good, your going to need it:

"BOOTH GARDNER:
A MAN WHO THINKS TWICE BEFORE HE SAYS NOTHING."

"PACKWOOD RETIRES
AFTER TWENTY-SEX YEARS IN SENATE"

"GOVERNORS LIKE LOWRY DON'T GROW ON TREES.
THEY SWING FROM THEM."

"DOES LOCKE SUPPORT ALL DRUNK DRIVERS?"
(editor's note: WHAT?)

"AIDS TURNS FRUITS INTO VEGETABLES." (Yikes)

"THERE ARE NO BILLBOARDS IN RUSSIA, CUBA, OR COMMUNIST CHINA."

But with all the blathering bravado, Al's friend and turkey business partner George Duby gives us this all-important crux:

"Even though we disagreed on many things, I think it made our friendship stronger."

And quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson, Duby adds:

"It is always better to be a thorn in the side of your friend than an echo." (Don't I know!)

And fear not, road-side attractioneer: Al's death in 2004 - apparently of Alzheimers & Cancer - did not silence Uncle Sam. The Hamilton fam is stepping-in and accepting the curmudgeon torch. Testimonial: new anti-immigrant script up last weekend (all caps) for your drive-by viewing pleasure.

Here's the near-to-exact map-quest:
1360 Rush Rd. Chehalis, WA 98532-8728

If you can, please don't just pass it by. Pull over, take a photo, and then post it here - a living shrine to Washington's favorite free-speech rebel.

Afterwards, drop by the Ribeye for some Irish Nachos. Leave a tater-skin behind for Al.

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."
~Voltaire

Bibliography:
Lawton, Mark. "'Uncle Sam' Billboard Owner Dies."
Chehalis Chronicle 10 Nov. 2004, local ed.

Snakes on a Plane

The Plot:

"On board a flight over the Pacific Ocean, an assassin, bent on killing a passenger who's a witness in protective custody, lets loose a crate full of deadly snakes" (IMDB)

Once again, the name of the Movie: Snakes on a Plane! Good lord, does this ever spark my curiousity! Just what can we expect from this non-stop action-packed thrill-ride? And what creative GENIUS marketing team barfed-forth this title? Well, this gets a tad cloudy, but it looks like all thanks goes to non-other than Samuel L Jackson:

"The studio tried to change the flick's name to Pacific Air Flight 121 earlier this year, but star Samuel L. Jackson balked, saying the original title ('Snakes on a Plane') was a big reason he signed on." (wired.com)

Good move, Sammy J. What could go wrong with that? I can see it now: Tyler & Melissa (big thanks for the alert you two) and yours truly sit in an empty theatre. The lights dim. The credits roll:
New Line Cinema presents... A Craig Berensen production... Samuel L Jackson...

Snakes on a Plane!
(dramatic music blasts)
Oh man, stomach so tight right now. I gotta go sit down & breath into a bag before I blow a gasket.

I could be wrong, but I do believe that if the above scenario occurs, I may break some ribs.

Milli Vanilli part II

I know that this is desperately immature, incredibly cliche', and that people are dying everyday in Iraq, but I just have to:


Oh, and here's the burned-into-cyberspace-history HIGH-larious moment, to be archived for all-time. Thank god for digital TV recording.
video.bmj.net/busted/simpsonfuckup.mpg

O'Reilly, Oh Reeeeeeeeeally!

Man, a lot of ground to cover in my absence. But this was the best yet. For those not following at home (Where the fuck have you been?): Apparently allegations surfaced recently about a sexual harrassment suit being filed against O'Lielly by his producer. Well, they didnt exactly surface, Fox News and O'Reilly filed a lawsuit first accusing Andrea Mackris of extortion ($60 million!). Of course, both suits were just accusations.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/10/14/oreilly.lawsuit/

I had often wondered about this creepo. Not just about his blatent houdiniesque slight-of-hand with the truth (read: LIES), but about his weirdo reverse-obsession with all things perverse and "obscene". In other words, he doesnt honestly revel in the filth like Howard Stern (peace be upon him). Instead, O'Reilly interviews these guests (pornstars, rappers, more pornstars, etc) and vehemenently chastises them, but then re-books them! Hmmmm. Well, "The Slate" decided to take-up where I left off, and hit a home-run with this look:

"Bill O'Reilly's obsession with porn"
http://slate.msn.com/id/2108355/
(Not that there's anything wrong with that)

Dr. Phil: Child Abuser

Okay Nate's really pissed-off today. I shouldnt let the glowing screen get to me this much, but I've just about had enough.

"A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First" (more like commercial $$$ first)
http://www.cbs.com/specials/dr_phil/

Lets break this down: This segment aired about this family who's son apparently exhibits 9 of the 14 traits of a serial killer. Key phrase here "This segment aired". It aired with video of the child and his behaviors, but more importantly: HIS IDENTITY!! How is this child ever going to be able to face his peers at school? How will this child protect his privacy now? How is this child ever going to live a normal life? Do you think his life will be better NOW after being exposed in Prime Time?

So lets see Phil. You have this child that exhibits these behaviors.
You choices are: A.) Privately give this child and his parents the help & counseling they need to have him lead a normal life (and go with a different story), or B.) Exploit this child for commercial profit, therefore certainly condemning him to become the serial killer that you "claim" to help. If this is not 100% pure CHILD ABUSE, I dont know what is.

Dr. Phil, you will now be referred to as "Mr. McGraw"... You know what? On second thought, lets go with "Josef Mengele". Letters are now being written to the FCC and to Texas State Attorney's office. Youre show should be cancelled and you should be on a perp walk. And to this kid's idiot parents: I am contacting CPC and I am encouraging my friends to do the same.

If/When this kid does crack, we can all only hope and pray that there will be 3 people in his cross-hairs: Phil and this kid's abusive parents.

Oh, and you can only guess how I feel about Phil's sponsor Oprah now (not that I felt much for her before). Hey Oprah, heres a good one for youre next book club. A Biography about Dr. Phil "Mengele: The Complete Story" by Gerald Posner.

Thats it for me today. I'm gonna turn off the tele and cool off for a spell.

Okay, maybe politics later

I was just thinking about my compulsion to put John Tesh on the same level as "Puritans" and "A Roth-less Van Halen". Perhaps I was too harsh.

Back in the good old days - when one could take-back the thousands of fajooles that the record companies theive from us with each CD purchase - I spent some valuable time downloading music. (RIP audiogalaxy... sniff sniff). See, I dont gamble and I dont rope steer (despite rumors to the contrary), and in Ellensturd WA, aside from these two pastimes, there is cow-cud left to do except downloading music.

So here I was in hell trying to find some good Black Sabbath covers. A few winners. A whole bunch of losers trying to give props. And then I run into this: "The Wizard" performed by " The Zappa brothers with John Tesh". I had to bite. For those of you not familiar with the Wizard (a plague on all your houses), it features a tricky syncopated harmonica solo as an intro. I had to know who was going to take this job, and how? (please please let it be a Zappa)

Well it turned out to be "the Tesh" - not with a harmonica, but with a KEYTAR! To this day, I still cannot believe that this sound entered my eardrums and was transferred to my neurotransmitters. But in a moment of schaudenfreud, I kind of liked it too... (gasp!)

I'll give Tesh his bones: to my suprise - and aside from some syncopation problems - he KNEW HOW TO PLAY BLACK SABBATH!!! Okay, so he played it on a KEYTAR... SO? SO?

So give it a listen, if you can still find it. If anyone can find a copy of the footage of Tesh/Zappa (ewww, those words hurt my ears together), I would love to see it.