Conservative Information Black-Hole (Busted!)

Alternative title: "Why conservatives reside in terminal idiocy"

In a previous entry I decried conservative websites for dubious citation jobs. In particular I targeted Orbusmax - a local conservative news-service (of sorts):

"Because he's always using other right-wingnuts as sources, Orbusmax is a prime offender for being right-wing recycle-bin/ echo-chamber."

Here's a prime example. Orbusmax' bold headline right now reads:
"Report: Gulf States Prepared to Back US Military Strike on Iran"

Clicking on the link does not bring you to a credible source: For example, no report from Gulf State ambassador(s); no minutes from a Gulf State coalition meeting; no Gulf State leader(s) statements, letters, documents, etc. No, clicking on this only sends us to orbusmax' favorite go-to conservative weblog Little Green Footballs, who gives us this entry:
"Report: Gulf States Prepared to Back US Military Strike on Iran"

Information, sources, and citations become even more chimerical from here. Little Green Footballs gives us a segment of a "...paper, written by GRC program director, Dr. Christian Koch," but gives us no link to that paper. This segment also fails to present any actual credible Gulf State sources (listed above).

Again, there is still no link to this phantom "paper" or any report, but LGFootballs does give us this:

A new paper issued by an influential Dubai think tank suggests that Gulf states may be prepared to back a US military strike on Iran

This hyperlink sends us to - wait for it - yet another weblog. This Alice rabbit-hole is run by the ultra-conservative NY daily, The Daily Sun. And it get's better (or worse). The article posted on this blog is again titled:

"Report: Gulf States Prepared to back US Military Strikes on Iran"
(still waiting for the actual link to an actual report)

This weblog article - posted by online editor Daniel Freedman - seems to be the final resting place for this weblog circle-jerk. But like all the others, Freedman again makes reference to "...paper, written by GRC program director, Dr. Christian Koch," but again fails to provide any verifiable links to that paper. Freedman's article includes the same segment as LGFootballs. But again, no citation, no report, no link.

Freedman makes reference to a speech given by Bush's Under Seceretary of State Nicholas Burns to the GRC where Burns said:

"The Middle East isn't a region to be dominated by Iran. The Gulf isn't a body of water to be controlled by Iran. That's why we've seen the United States station two carrier battle groups in the region,"

But there is no reference here to any Gulf States backing this US move. Again, no credible sources - no report from Gulf State ambassador(s); no minutes for a Gulf State coalition meeting; no Gulf State leader(s) statements, letters, documents, etc - are given to verify this claim.

Taken together: A supposed online news-service cites a conservative blog that cites another conservative blog that cites NOTHING.

Unfortunatly, many people reading an alarmist & determinitive headline about Gulf States backing US military strikes on Iran will accept it at face-value. Many will show up to the water-cooler tomorrow with a "Guess what I heard?". Many others will lovingly send mass emails to friends/family with the headline, linking back our friend Orbusmax.

All this undoubtedly improves the advertising revenue for Orbusmax & his circle-jerk blog friends. But we live in country where the president is actively suppressing information and then actively declassifying only parts of documents that support his schemes.

In this context, the propegation of pseudo-information is a detriment to our democratic survival as a country, and the Soviet-caliber propagandists using this tactic should be cast into the same asheap of history.

Belated Passage: Alfred Hamilton 1920-2004

Last weekend's Portland road-trip tribulation presented a few new stories for the ages: A new nickname; A profane jager-induced rage at a Van Halen cover-band playing Haggar; A "No-athon"; Chasing Mariah around with a DLR residue-laced hand.

But one segment stuck-out in my mind from the return trip. I've made note of this road-side display on several previous I-5 trips, but like many items in my life, that note had been repeatedly filed deep into my ADD-adled archives. This time I kept thinking about it afterwards - clearly a lifetime of exposure to this I-5 landmark had pushed aside all other higher brain functions.


For I-5 travelling Warsh-ingtonians, the Uncle Sam billboard between Chehalis & Centralia has become both an unsightly attraction & the purest form of 1st Amendment use. I'm normally hit with a combo-punch of both descriptions - inducing a nervous chuckle.

Again, this exposure pushed me deep into thought about the who's, what's, & why's behind Chehalis' beloved/hated Uncle Sam. The initial searches for all things Uncle Sam were incredibly fruitless - "Washington" and "Uncle Sam" led google into empty pastures. But after several deep caches, I finally found a name and obituary:

Alfred Hamilton, 1920-2004:
He Put Conservative Views on Billboard

Photo: Hamilton and Billboard - 1972
(Note: Answers that spawn more questions - Who the hell is Bill Caruth?)

As you can see, Hamilton's death hit the AP and was quickly carried nationwide:
New York Times: "Highway's Message Board Now Without a Messenger"
San Fran Chronicle: "Washington State Loses a Unique Free-speech Icon"

And what a surprise! Our dear wingnuts at the Freerepublic also picked it up:
"Owner of I-5's 'Uncle Sam' Billboard Dies at 84"
(w/ 50+ fun posts of Freeper commentary)

The best resource as always is the one closest to ground zero. I went through the Chehalis Chronicle archives & found (and paid for) a total gem of an obituary. From this, I've been able to piece-together a biographical sketch of sorts for this free-speech anti-hero:

Born: March 31, 1920, in Chehalis to parents Frank and Edith Hamilton.

Attended the one-room Valley School and later studied at what is now Washington State University - never graduating.

From daughter Sherryl Zurek:
"If he graduated, he would have been drafted. He quit early so he could get a deferment, and he farmed instead of going into the service."
(Wow, a draft-dodger - and dodged WWII no less!)

Married Ruth Knoles in 1942.He raised sheep, then started raising turkeys, producing as many as 20,000 to 30,000 a year on the land just north of Midway Meats and west of Interstate 5. Hamilton became interested in real estate, building and leasing the Ribeye restaurant and McDonald's on the land left him by his father
(Turner, Tyler, Anna & I used to swear by the Ribeye's "Irish Nacho" goodness)

He originally built the sign in 1971 at the instigation of his wife, who found that the state was spending more money on welfare than on schools.
(See? That damned Eve made me do it)

In 1971, then-state Attorney General Slade Gorton filed a lawsuit against Hamilton for his billboard under the Scenic Vista Act.
(An interesting 1st Amendment case - you can read the lawsuit resolution in it's entirety here):
STATE v. HAMILTON 1979

Tom Bradshaw, pastor of Chehalis First Christian Church, gives us this Al Hamilton profile:
"He stood about 6-3 or 6-4, and weighed 200 pounds or so. He gave you the feeling he was the kind of man you wouldn't want to mess with."
(Amen, brother)

I also managed to hunt down a few select photos of Uncle Al's sayings. Most NW excursionists are familiar with the subject matter: an endless tirade against all things Liberal, Commie, Red, Pinko & Blue - and every hue in-between. Again, either making us giggle or stressing our over-caffienated AVM's (usually both).

Tyler and the other Evergreen State College Alumni reminded me of this Al Hamilton gold - Later used by Evergreen as an actual postcard sold in their gift-shop. I still think they should make a T-shirt of this one - I'd wear it:


Here's one that found Herr Hamilton at odds with the Bush admin. A tirade here against all those who oppose America-as-birth-right:


The close 2004 gubernatorial election between Gregoire/Rossi made us all pretty tense. Apparently, Al was so tense he skipped the ladder:


And of course the Iraq War would weigh heavily on the mind of a WWII draft-dodger - evoking this grevience against all us quagmire/civil-war protesters. We also see what might be our final view of Chehalis' favorite bristled curmudgeon.

(Unintentional comedy: I would stay seated and support the UW in Pullman's Martin stadium - let alone the gates of hell.)

From the various articles, several other Al-isms were recorded - all in caps of course. Tongue-depresser handy? Good, your going to need it:

"BOOTH GARDNER:
A MAN WHO THINKS TWICE BEFORE HE SAYS NOTHING."

"PACKWOOD RETIRES
AFTER TWENTY-SEX YEARS IN SENATE"

"GOVERNORS LIKE LOWRY DON'T GROW ON TREES.
THEY SWING FROM THEM."

"DOES LOCKE SUPPORT ALL DRUNK DRIVERS?"
(editor's note: WHAT?)

"AIDS TURNS FRUITS INTO VEGETABLES." (Yikes)

"THERE ARE NO BILLBOARDS IN RUSSIA, CUBA, OR COMMUNIST CHINA."

But with all the blathering bravado, Al's friend and turkey business partner George Duby gives us this all-important crux:

"Even though we disagreed on many things, I think it made our friendship stronger."

And quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson, Duby adds:

"It is always better to be a thorn in the side of your friend than an echo." (Don't I know!)

And fear not, road-side attractioneer: Al's death in 2004 - apparently of Alzheimers & Cancer - did not silence Uncle Sam. The Hamilton fam is stepping-in and accepting the curmudgeon torch. Testimonial: new anti-immigrant script up last weekend (all caps) for your drive-by viewing pleasure.

Here's the near-to-exact map-quest:
1360 Rush Rd. Chehalis, WA 98532-8728

If you can, please don't just pass it by. Pull over, take a photo, and then post it here - a living shrine to Washington's favorite free-speech rebel.

Afterwards, drop by the Ribeye for some Irish Nachos. Leave a tater-skin behind for Al.

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."
~Voltaire

Bibliography:
Lawton, Mark. "'Uncle Sam' Billboard Owner Dies."
Chehalis Chronicle 10 Nov. 2004, local ed.

Blatherwatch, Part III

Better than Godfather III, I promise:

Styblehead's Last Stand

An obscure radio reference here. A late night ex KIRO host named Bryan Styble managed to secure a "one night only" spot last night/morning to cover the snowstorm. Night of horrors.

Long story short: You were all lucky to be sleeping that night. I suffered through KIRO's late-night blasphemies on your behalf.

Note: At one point, Styble barfed the following:

"I think Van Halen was a much better band with Sammy Haggar than with David Lee Roth"

Yeah, it was pretty bad.

Blatherwatch, Part II

"Glenn Beck Mad Libs"

For those of you who don't know, Glenn Beck hosts a terrible show on Headline News (!!!). Beck is also an Everett native - not that there's anything wrong with that. hahahahah

Enjoy

Blatherwatch, Part I

I am currently guest-posting for the NW radio-centered site:
blatherwatch, while author/founder is vacating.

First post is now up:
"Trucker Talk Fleec-o-matic? 10-4!"

I feel like Navin R. Johnson
"Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now. "

For those just joining us, 710KIRO's late-night line-up has been a long sad story of good folks not getting there just-deserts, bad-radio poo sinking to the bottom, and then eventually everything flushed down the toilet & replaced with a big syndicated radio-bot (ie "Trucker Talk").

I know, not the greatest post (no significant research), but was tuning into some late-night KIRO radio & got a writing itch. Strange inspiration, but we've been deputized to cover blather.

Captured Webb - Crazy like a fox?

Huge developments on the Mike Webb front.
Note: Meet the Stress has been moving our HQ & have been fairly AWOL from the courtroom proceedings, (but obviously full-steam ahead on acronym usage). Much thanks to blatherwatch and others for keeping everyone up to speed.

Ex-KIRO talk-show host Mike Webb has been on trial for insurance fraud after being arrested in January (and promptly fired from KIRO). Your over-enthusiastic staff here at Meet the Stress had a unique experience in a KC Courthouse hallway with Mr. Webb in late July - chronicled here in: Mike Webb begs the question: "Can I shoot 'em?". We found out that Webb has a garlic-esque aversion to all things photog - but did manage to capture the soul of a charging Webb in full corporate corruption scandal glory:


Mike Webb with Attorney Mark Larranga
(exclaiming "No... Mike... DON'T!")

Amazingly, until recently, this was the closest anyone has come to capturing the elusive omnivore. Before that, the only other was from Webb's site (no pun intended):
Meet the Stress' on-call paleontologist has carbon-dated this photo back to the cretaceous


But no longer. Seattle Times reporter Natalie Singer has broken the chain with this beaut:

Note: Any similarities between these photos and photos found in
Multinomah County's "Faces of Meth" Campaign are purely coincidental.

And the downward spiral just continues to... hmmm...(synonym for spiral further downward?... something?... oh fuggetaboudit). As reported by Blatherwatch: on Wednesday during a break in court, Webb had a giant non-psychobilly freakout, landing him in Harborzoo Med ctr for psych observation.

BUT! This tantrum - and consequential handcuffing - occurred in front of jurors from his case, and (of course) promptly resulted in a mistrial. Equally prompt prosecutor Nancy Balin is pushing to retry the case as early as next week.

So the big question remains: How will the King County legal system effectively prosecute a walking mistrial?

Note to KIRO: Love him or hate him, your overnight ratings would be gargantuan if Webb was doing the overnights. At the very least, rid yourselves of the Styblehead Boast-to-Boast ratings black-hole before all graveyard workers have juror-present tantrums of their own!


Next project: New updated photo of Styblehead with his supposed "long luxurious locks" (shudder)

Another Conspiracy Pictorial

Suddenly noticing glass-blown chandeliers everywhere. Seems to be a reoccurring NW phenomenon. Chihuly season?

Big ol' article about Chihuly in the Seattle Times last weekend. Then last night I clicked-over to PBS and saw another - a re-run about Dale melting big ice cubes somewhere in Israel. I had it on mute. I may have missed an abstract thematic element or two.

So what's the occasion?
Perhaps Chihuly farted somewhere & the usual-suspect socialite-flocks gathered around the cloud for a wine-tasting vigil (sans candles).

Or perhaps there's a darker cabal at work here. I know, can't get much darker than socialite flocks. But maybe - just maybe - some secret is trying to keep itself buried.

Yes, Chihuly is suddenly & conspicuously in the public eye again. But someone else is even more suddenly & conspicuously absent.

Anomaly:
Two moderately well-known celebs (of sorts) are never in the same place at the same time.

Modi Operandi:
Dale Chihuly at some point must lower the ravioli spoon & work-out, lest suffer a massive coronary code-out;
Richard Simmons routinely faces see-saw weight loss/gains, and must somehow conceal gains, lest lose work-out mogul revenue.



Hypotheses:
Simmons reaches maximum density, dons the classic eye-patch disguise (!!!) & orders around hippies for a few months - thus concealing weight-gain (barely);

Chihuly feels chest pain, dusts-off the pink short-shorts, & sweats to some oldies - thus putting some tock back in the ticker.

...Life from death - Phoenix from ash - and the Circle of Life starts anew...

Note: Obviously still some big unknowns remain. There's still no accounting for Simmons' twinkie voice, tippy-toe gait, or drop-of-a-hat crying-spells. Weight waxing/waning will produce strange side-affects, I suppose.

Mike Webb court photo & Letter from "Anon"

Mike Webb (left) with Attorney Mark Larranaga - July 27, 2006
(not great, but I'm still in training, sensei)

To the Editor:
Anonymous said...
Nate: The efforts of you, Brian, Travis, Hood, and others in trying to attack people within the radio biz with blogs, photos, and whatever else, will ultimately fail, because programming decisions are made based on ratings, talent, personality, and longetivity within the biz, and not from unsubstatiated comments found on blogs. I suggest that if you are truly interested in news talk radio, that you consider interning with a talk host, that you consider promotions work for a news/talk station, or, that you consider a CC or professional degree in broadcast journalism or engineering.

(Editor's note: I know a "Hood", but am unfamiliar with "Brian, Travis")

First off, who said I was interested in the "programming decisions" within "the radio biz' or "truly interested in news talk radio"? Meet the Stress® is the product of a marginally part-time recreative activity - end scene.

Related to this, how does one "ultimately fail" at such an activity? Is this like falling while waterskiing? I'm excited that a few folks - you included - have decided to express interest in my recreational activities (hits, posts, links, etc). I'll be frank - Meet the Stress® was an ultimate failure for much of it's existence. This "failure" never haulted our staff's investigative efforts before, nor will it now. And by the way, thanks for expressing an interest with your hit & comment. *wink wink*

But let's get to the big beefs:

"unsubstatiated comments" &
"trying to attack people within the radio biz"

Note: Mike Webb is no longer affiliated with any radio station or network (or "biz")... well, aside from "progressive networks" - who's sole affiliation is Mr. Webb's basement internet-stream flame-thrower broadcast. (Not unlike your's truly®)

This aside, unsubstatiated [sic] comments? Both blatherwatch & Meet the Stress® were present in the courtroom to clearly hear Webb's outbursts: "Watch your back" & "Can I shoot em". Thats two sources with verbatim quotes. No, we weren't under the official sanction of the NYTimes, but I don't see that requirement in the First Amendment.

Furthermore, under this charished First Amendment, Mike Webb has often chastised public figures for being too secretive. Is Webb now suddenly exempt from this clause?

Finally, and related to disclosure, most newspaper editors do require a name, address, email & phone contact with every letter. We here at Meet the Stress® were graceful enough to print Mr. Anonypuss' post without said requirement. We do however reserve the right to recognize the irony of being chastised by a ghostly gutless turd.

So if you have the minerals, at least pull 'em out next time & include your contacts.

Otherwise, it's feeding time Leo!

Webb Bupkis (?)

Michael Hood & I both had it in our notes - and then immediately posted the date in our 1&0 collections:

August 1st, 10:30AM, King County Courthouse, Room E-733

Showed up early & waited until 10:50AM. Correct room - Judge Spector & Prosecutor Nancy Balin. But different trial (robbery) in progress & with no end in sight.

Afterwards I dropped by the Norm Maleng's office & checked the docket. Clerk there said that the next Mike Webb trial session would be September 5th (also in our notes).

Because Tuesday's session was an ongoing motion exchange/debate (mostly on jury selection), I'm assuming that between last Monday (07/26) and Tuesday, there was some out-of-court agreement to remaining motions - negating need for Tuesday session. Either that, or the motions were too tough - and vacations too important - and everything was punted until September 5th

There it is. Whole lot of nothin'. Well, other than an unrelated yet funny incident with the robbery trial. Two young whipper-snappers from court gallery tossed out. Apparently a witness was asked for father's name, and stated (correctly) that his father's name was "James Brown". Frick & Frack got the boot for guffawing in excess. Only by the grace of god go I - or have gone I.

So in lieu of this voided Mike Webb special report, we will rejoin previously scheduled programming with another fine episode of:

"Jack Chick Theatre"
(Love the downward spiral of propaganda in this one. heheheheh)

Mike Webb begs the question: "Can I shoot 'em?"

Ex-talk show host Mike Webb saw his first trial date today - facing insurance fraud charges - & Meet the Stress was there to witness (or add to?) the spectacle.

Mike Webb? What's all this, then?

Alright, a quick recap - skip the itals if you know the backstory: Mike Webb is former 10 year talk-jock vet at KIRO. A left-leaning liberal of sorts, but never mentally stable/sharp enough to help push the progressive movement wagon forward. Thanks to progressive blogger extraordinaire Blatherwatch's Michael Hood, we all followed Webb's downward spiral into oblivion - culminating in December 2005 (of sorts) when Webb was charged with insurance fraud, and then promptly sacked by KIRO.

As mentioned, this is the quick recap. For the unabridged version of all things Webb, you would be wise to visit blatherwatch's detailed Mike Webb file, or Geoff Parish's expose' "Tangled Webb".

So when I last visited the "Mike Webb file", I also discovered the heading "Mike Webb trial finally begins Thursday!" (07/27/06). Hmmmmmmmm... Thursday. Not much on the personal docket that day.

Arriving at 9:45am at the King County Courthouse outside room E-733, I link up with Michael Hood of blatherwatch - a man who hears every flea-fart in NW radioland - and we prepare for Webb's entrance. I had seen Webb before at a KIRO "battle of the talk show hosts" event, but not long enough to talk to him or take a photo, so I really didn't know what to expect.

Webb turns the corner - a literal behemoth of a human being (the ol' radio/visual disconnect shock)- & I start snapping off a few photos. (Note: I am SERIOUSLY in need of some digicam assistance/tutoring). Webb immediately raises his briefcase - not unlike a perp-walking corporate schill - & passes us by. I tried for a few more clicks, when Webb turned to me and says:

"You know, you're a real asshole!"

I know, huge dis right? Would've cost him a cool 350K on KIRO, but not so much as a dent here. I'll check with Hood, but I may have shed a tear.

The court proceedings are fairly uneventful - mostly trial/vacation scheduling issues (seriously). Well, I should say uneventful aside from a few Mike Webb over-the-shoulder bellers toward the gallery (occupied soley by Michael Hood & yours truly). My favorite, looking in our direction:

"Watch your back!"

Duly noted. Did the stenographer pick that up? Actually I take that back. That was my favorite Mike Webbism until defense attorney Mark Larranaga got up to leave & directed Mike "Don't talk to anyone, okay?". Webb's response?

"Can I shoot em?"

Mentally unstable? Pshaw!

OH YEAH! Judge Spector did ask if Webb's attorney would be bringing character witnesses ("No"). To which the Judge responded:

"Alright, so there will be no mention of Mr. Webb's good character"
*Chuckles, guffaws, & sniggers from gallery*

I know I know, this was just legalese , but still hit us both in the coffee-spit mechanism.

The trial day finally winds-up much how it began: a few motions of which no one will object; a few other motions that are too thick & get punted. Yawn. I start to warm-up the digicam. Mike Webb notices this, whips out his cell phone, & starts taking a few photos of his own inside the courtroom. I wave & ham it up a tad.

And then the fireworks really crackle. Outside the courtroom, I try to reciprocate with a few more candid shots - Webb does the suitcase perp-walk again. But then as he gets in close, Webb grabs for - and runs off with - my camera. Both Michael & I shout about this, & Webb tries to dunk it in the nearest recycling container (failing).

Note: This whole time Webb's attorney Larranaga is exhorting him - much like a mother with a child: "Mike! Mike! STOP THAT!"

Webb & attorney turn towards stairway door & scramble through. I attempt to follow, but Mike Webb - former KIRO News/talk personality - has decided to play a game of push o'war with the door.

Webb finally releases the door, and I fly through - only to face-off with him once more. Well actually, the truth is that the liberal, progressive, & tolerant Mr. Mike Webb backs me up into a corner & proceeds to spout-out a few dozen more FCC 350K words. It was quite Cheney-esque. I responded with something about my 1st amendment rights equaling his - you know, a progressive backbone phrase - but it didn't seem to matter.

After several more barrages, Mike Webb's mouth seemed to run it's course, & proceeded to fade-out into nothing, growing fainter & fainter down the King County Courthouse stairway.

But fear not, folks. Coming again on Tuesday - August 1st, 10:30am in Room E-733, I can just hear the barrage starting anew from the depths of those hallowed halls - as the Mike Webb insurance fraud trial rolls on.

Old letter

Found this in the PI archives. Forgot about this one:
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/opinion/108170_ltrs12.shtml


Both sides of war issue put needed pressure on Saddam

With pro-war and anti-war camps (nationally and internationally) lining up and their rhetoric increasing, it's important to see the benefits of having both sides around.

As much as I am opposed to a full-fledged war and occupation of Iraq, I commend President Bush for his show of resolve. At the same time, I also commend the leaders of France, Germany, China and Russia in their firm stances on increased inspections.

Taken together, these two "fronts" give us numerous opportunities for potential resolutions outside of war. In the realm of international politics, these two fronts represent carrots and sticks incentives: The United States turns up the heat and shines the interrogation light into Saddam's eyes while Germany, France, China and Russia offer Saddam a cookie and a Coke if he cooperates. Historically, these kinds of incentives have been very successful tools in international negotiations.

Despite the pundits' predictions, let us also remember that -- as of now -- we are not at war. Saddam still has time to comply with the U.N. inspectors. More important, the United States still has time to wait for a stronger coalition. From a strategic point of view, Germany, France, China and Russia are essential allies and should not be sacrificed at the altar of unilateral action. Meanwhile, the United States should keep Saddam on the burner, and set it on high.

We must rally behind our central goal -- disarming Saddam. Beyond this, it is in our best interest to support both fronts: President Bush's increasing resolve and our potential allies' stances for more inspection opportunities.

NG
Seattle

Response from Senator Murray

Dear Mr. G:

Thank you so much for taking the time to contact my office and share your kind words of support. I am very proud to represent Washington state in the Senate, and your encouragement means so much to me.I have always believed that the purpose of public service is to make a positive difference in the lives of ordinary Americans.

If we are to effect real change in our country, we must remain visionary and honest on issues such as education, health care and the economy. I work for innovative solutions on these and other challenges that face our nation.My work in the Senate is focused on people, and nothing is more important to me than receiving advice and comments from the people of Washington state.

I hope you will continue to stay in touch on matters of interest to you, and that you will not hesitate to call on me whenever I may be of assistance.

Again, thank you for contacting me. Please stay in touch.

Sincerely,

Patty Murray
United States Senator

Yarns update II - Santa's Parting Words

Apparently my friend and yours Santa has yet another entry in his extensive resume': "Shadow Walker"

"If I'm coming at you from the distance, you can see me... but dont look away. If you look away, I'll be on you before you know it." (snaps his fingers)

I told him that I would remember not to look away. To which he retorted:

"That wont work. I'll be there in your grill between blinks. You wont even know what hit you, or what killed you. "
(Yikes)

"You see, I'm a shadow walker. I dont move on the ground. I move between ticks on the clock"
(he said the last part really slow and dramatically)

So now I'm sitting here, Santa-less... and I'm so pissed. Why oh why didnt I get a live test of Shadow walking. Damnit, I coulda seen Chairman Ho's nemisis in his true form. I might have even gotten a lesson from this Zen master.

Farewell Shadow walker. Perhaps I will you see you again on my next Moses Lake visit.

yarns update

Santa just showed up again. He said the following:

"If Christine Gregiore is elected governor, and she gets all big-headed and arrogant, I predict that she may be the first governor in this state to be assassinated." (Jaw drops)

"I'm serious, because theres a whoooooole lotta wackos out there"

Yikes... thanks for that, Santa.

yarns spun, sweaters made

Justin Merrill and I once worked with a guy named Dusty who was the biggest liar in the universe. The problem was that Dusty's lies were so intricate, complicated, and interesting, that you stopped caring about being lied to, and started caring about how to secretly document everything that spilled from Dusty's mouth. He was like some sort of maniacal Garrison Keillor. (more on Dusty later).

Such was my predicament this evening/morning. An elderly man came to the desk around 11pm. Looked like a balding skinny Santa. Actually, he looked like Turner's dad in 20 years with longer hair. While I was in the back room, my co-worker David told him that I would be working all night, and that he should come back tell me "his jokes and riddles" (out of sight, I made furious throat slashing gestures, but to no avail). David later said he was sorry. No apologies, David.

Santa turns up around midnight, and started letting the jokes slip. Then the riddles... yawn. I'm so bad at riddles. Then we talked books, then Science Fiction. He's a big Star Trek fan, and I possess a remedial working knowledge on the subject (few episodes of the original series, and the movies).

After that reservoir ran dry, the ground just seemed to open up.

The first indication came with his bravado about being a Scientist, Chess champion, top of his class in Law School, and then recently released from prison - apparently doing time in San Quinten ("God help you if you get sent there"). He said:

"I'll tell you what, the first thing you do at that prison is beat-up the biggest guy there... that'll earn you respect"...
(mmmmmkay)

Then came more monologues (as I frantically grasp for a legal pad):

"I got my guard fired because he cut-up my mail. They don't expect to have a law student inmate. I reported him to the district attorney. They threatened him with federal mail tampering. Long story short, for the rest of my stay, I received 4 different jigsaw puzzles every month for the rest of my stay..."
(jigsaw puzzles!??! What, no dope?)

"I once got in a verbal war with a fellow inmate. I told him to answer the following questions... if he didn't know that answer, I told him to say 'I don't know':I asked him, "how long does it take a bee to get from here to there"The inmate said, "I don't know"... I asked him "how long does it take a bird to get from here to there"... Again, "I don't know". Then asked him what color an orange was: he said, "Orange". Then asked him what the name of the boy was who never wanted to grow up: He said "Peter Pan". I responded, "Well it seems you know nothing about the birds and the bees, but seem to know a lot about fruits and fairies!"
(zing)

"I once leaned on a fellow inmate and asked him 'Whats the difference between a bear and a queer'... 'A bear would never let a man lean on him'"
(bing)

Then came inmate-turned-government-sought-after Physicist:

"I once created a laser that completely revolutionizes any beam of light on earth, including blue lasers. Even the government wanted it. I gave a live test for military officials in the middle of the Nevada desert once: one touch of a button and this laser cut in-two an M1A1 tank w/8" armor. The government demanded the specs. I gave it to them, but the ink disappeared when it hit their hands. I told them to 'forget it' & that I was averse to any brainwashing possibilities. To this day they try to get the information, but they know they'll have to kill me first, so they'll never get it... and thats a true story"
(he seriously ended the story this way)

"I told the government that the only way they would get the information is if it was given to all sides... you know, to balance the equation. They said 'no dice' and so did I"
(I think I saw this in the movie "Sneakers")

"I once created a sound-system that could produce a frequency that can coagulate every square-inch of blood in your body. You're dead before you hit the ground"

"I know of untapped Gold and Silver deposits still in the cascades. No one else knows of these locations. I once went up there, came back with a few nuggets, walked into a gun store and bought a 30-aught-six with no cash, no credit, no paperwork, and best of all: no questions asked" (holy moses!)

This of course, transitioned into a funny - albeit frightening - gun discussion:

"I don't carry your normal gun. I only a carry a gun that once I draw it - yer dead. No pea-shooter here. So powerful, if I aim it at your hand, you'll lose an arm"

"I carry a 44 auto mag. And I don't buy ammo from any store: too many questions, too much paper-work, and it wont ever pierce body armor. No sir, I build my own at home"

"I once walked into a gun store with my 44 and my armor piercing home-mades. I told the owner I could cut through any piece of armor they had in stock. He put 3 Teflon shields on a dummy. I took 50 military paces, ("thats a huge store," I thought), then turned and shot. Not only did it blow a hole in the front, but it also blew a hole on exit, and embedded itself in the wall behind. I walked out of there with $2,500, 'cause there was no way I'm gonna demonstrate without no green on the screen"

Then came the long one about being ex-black-ops. (I grip the pen until my knuckles turn white):

"Yeah I used to be Military. Vietnam. Black ops. Government wrote me a death certificate even before I went out. Our teams only existed on paper - combustible paper. My folks heard 'Rumors of death highly exaggerated' on many occasion"

"Ho Chi Min had a 4 1/2 million dollar price on my head - and thats American green, not VC ruble. I once had 'the Chairman' in my sights, but was ordered to hit his 2nd in command. Shattered Chairman Ho's tea cup though!"
(VC Ruble. I can still hear him saying that. I think I might borrow that one)

"On more than one occasion, I had in my sight the head of Chairman Ho... just one squeeze of the trigger, and the war's over. But I was never given that order. And I ain't gonna get locked in the brig for the rest of my natural born life!"

Later military career:

"I once guarded a nuclear facility. Got a 2-star Lieutenant General retired. Heres how: This General had the base locked up as tight as a duck's butt (or some metaphor to that affect, I forget). But I managed to sneak in a portable timed bomb - set for 10 seconds. When this 2-star was forced to resign for my actions, he once asked me why I only set it for 10 secs. I told him that with a blast like that, its gonna be a one-way ticket."

And then there was a bunch more about joining Civil war gaming clubs, and dominating so hard that he would get kicked out by the moderators. (of course, he would always play the confederacy).

I'll report back soon with any more yarn sequels. Also, I'll post a prequel of "Dusty's tirades" later...

Turner's response to Nov 2nd

"There would be only two cool things that would happen if Bush was to get re-elected; so without further ado, prepare yourself for the inevitable.

First, is that I will finally be able to get an AK-47 for as cheap as they ought to be.

And second, I guarantee you that ten years from now, on FOX (the only channel left), on Sunday nights at 9:00, probably after the umpteenth season of Malcolm in the Middle, you will be able to tune into The Running Man; but for real. And I have to admit, I will be watching.

Yup, the country is heading down the tubes but fast, so prepare yourself for shooting the first FED through the door in the face when he tries to take away your freedom. Maybe it's just me, but didn't my United States of America pay dearly with many of our sons in a little war called WWII to defeat the rise of fascism, and keep it from ever reaching our shores?

Oh well, the masses spoke, and they chose, and now they have to stew in the steaming pile that they've made for themselves. Fuck them, the swine. Hope you enjoy it you shit-heads."

Amen, Brother

Senator Murray letter

Senator Murray,

I was born in raised in the Shoreline area, so I have seen and supported your career up close from the very beginning. I remember seeing you and Bill Clinton at the waterfront before his & your '92 election. I only wish times today were so good.

Your victory against George Nethercutt Nov 2nd was so important for so many reasons. Least of which is that you showed his playing the "terror-card" to be a cheap political tactic with no affect on a stellar senate record.

But most importantly, with the re-election of George W Bush, and his threat to go forward with a far-right agenda, we desperately need your hard work to protect so many of our most basic rights. And to this end, your use of the filibuster will be crucial. Congressional "Gridlock" is often given a negative connotation. But for one who studies politics, I fully understand that the use of a Senatorial filibuster serves your constituency just as much as sponsoring an important bill - and now more than ever.

A filibuster is simply our opposition voiced through you.

So please feel free to make liberal use of this in the long hard days to come. Feel free to talk-to-death a pork-filled military expenditure. Feel free to talk-to-death a permanent top 10% tax cut.

Most importantly, please filibuster any/all of George W Bush's Supreme court appointments "in the mold of Scalia and Thomas".

The future of a woman's right to choose, gay-rights, the environment, and freedom of expression in general, was at stake November 2nd. With George W Bush and his stated agenda in charge, these basic rights are now in your hands. Please do everything you can to protect them.

Playing the adversarial role in the Senate can often (unfairly) be portrayed negatively. Please understand that you have Washington's full support in playing this role.

Thank you again for your many years of service, and congratulations on your re-election.

Sincerely,
NG

PS, Might I suggest "Lord of the Rings" for filibuster reading material. You might even replace the characters "Dark Lord Sauron" and "Saruman" with George W and Karl Rove (or would it be the reverse?)

Air America lands in Seattle!

Wow, this one made it under my radar. I seriously thought this network was tanking, but I guess I was listening to the wrong media, eh?

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/artsentertainment/2002069848_airamerica22.html

Back from the dead

Been out of commission for the past 2 weeks. Tore ligaments in my ankle during my cousin's wedding. Long story short: I got the garter, but I paid the price - at the hands of my cousin's 300 lb-Blanchet HS-offensive-center best man. I had often wondered about my purpose of playing middle linebacker in little-league. Now I know

But it was a great wedding. Congratulations Cousie Kyle!

I went to the doc yesterday to further find out that I also had a bone-chip in my toe. No wonder it looked like a rutebaga! But as usual, the best cure for the toe is a tight shoe for a few weeks. Taken together, I got a big moon boot for the next 2 weeks at work. (I took some sick leave before that).