Wednesday, November 24, 2004

yarns spun, sweaters made

Justin Merrill and I once worked with a guy named Dusty who was the biggest liar in the universe. The problem was that Dusty's lies were so intricate, complicated, and interesting, that you stopped caring about being lied to, and started caring about how to secretly document everything that spilled from Dusty's mouth. He was like some sort of maniacal Garrison Keillor. (more on Dusty later).

Such was my predicament this evening/morning. An elderly man came to the desk around 11pm. Looked like a balding skinny Santa. Actually, he looked like Turner's dad in 20 years with longer hair. While I was in the back room, my co-worker David told him that I would be working all night, and that he should come back tell me "his jokes and riddles" (out of sight, I made furious throat slashing gestures, but to no avail). David later said he was sorry. No apologies, David.

Santa turns up around midnight, and started letting the jokes slip. Then the riddles... yawn. I'm so bad at riddles. Then we talked books, then Science Fiction. He's a big Star Trek fan, and I possess a remedial working knowledge on the subject (few episodes of the original series, and the movies).

After that reservoir ran dry, the ground just seemed to open up.

The first indication came with his bravado about being a Scientist, Chess champion, top of his class in Law School, and then recently released from prison - apparently doing time in San Quinten ("God help you if you get sent there"). He said:

"I'll tell you what, the first thing you do at that prison is beat-up the biggest guy there... that'll earn you respect"...

Then came more monologues (as I frantically grasp for a legal pad):

"I got my guard fired because he cut-up my mail. They don't expect to have a law student inmate. I reported him to the district attorney. They threatened him with federal mail tampering. Long story short, for the rest of my stay, I received 4 different jigsaw puzzles every month for the rest of my stay..."
(jigsaw puzzles!??! What, no dope?)

"I once got in a verbal war with a fellow inmate. I told him to answer the following questions... if he didn't know that answer, I told him to say 'I don't know':I asked him, "how long does it take a bee to get from here to there"The inmate said, "I don't know"... I asked him "how long does it take a bird to get from here to there"... Again, "I don't know". Then asked him what color an orange was: he said, "Orange". Then asked him what the name of the boy was who never wanted to grow up: He said "Peter Pan". I responded, "Well it seems you know nothing about the birds and the bees, but seem to know a lot about fruits and fairies!"

"I once leaned on a fellow inmate and asked him 'Whats the difference between a bear and a queer'... 'A bear would never let a man lean on him'"

Then came inmate-turned-government-sought-after Physicist:

"I once created a laser that completely revolutionizes any beam of light on earth, including blue lasers. Even the government wanted it. I gave a live test for military officials in the middle of the Nevada desert once: one touch of a button and this laser cut in-two an M1A1 tank w/8" armor. The government demanded the specs. I gave it to them, but the ink disappeared when it hit their hands. I told them to 'forget it' & that I was averse to any brainwashing possibilities. To this day they try to get the information, but they know they'll have to kill me first, so they'll never get it... and thats a true story"
(he seriously ended the story this way)

"I told the government that the only way they would get the information is if it was given to all sides... you know, to balance the equation. They said 'no dice' and so did I"
(I think I saw this in the movie "Sneakers")

"I once created a sound-system that could produce a frequency that can coagulate every square-inch of blood in your body. You're dead before you hit the ground"

"I know of untapped Gold and Silver deposits still in the cascades. No one else knows of these locations. I once went up there, came back with a few nuggets, walked into a gun store and bought a 30-aught-six with no cash, no credit, no paperwork, and best of all: no questions asked" (holy moses!)

This of course, transitioned into a funny - albeit frightening - gun discussion:

"I don't carry your normal gun. I only a carry a gun that once I draw it - yer dead. No pea-shooter here. So powerful, if I aim it at your hand, you'll lose an arm"

"I carry a 44 auto mag. And I don't buy ammo from any store: too many questions, too much paper-work, and it wont ever pierce body armor. No sir, I build my own at home"

"I once walked into a gun store with my 44 and my armor piercing home-mades. I told the owner I could cut through any piece of armor they had in stock. He put 3 Teflon shields on a dummy. I took 50 military paces, ("thats a huge store," I thought), then turned and shot. Not only did it blow a hole in the front, but it also blew a hole on exit, and embedded itself in the wall behind. I walked out of there with $2,500, 'cause there was no way I'm gonna demonstrate without no green on the screen"

Then came the long one about being ex-black-ops. (I grip the pen until my knuckles turn white):

"Yeah I used to be Military. Vietnam. Black ops. Government wrote me a death certificate even before I went out. Our teams only existed on paper - combustible paper. My folks heard 'Rumors of death highly exaggerated' on many occasion"

"Ho Chi Min had a 4 1/2 million dollar price on my head - and thats American green, not VC ruble. I once had 'the Chairman' in my sights, but was ordered to hit his 2nd in command. Shattered Chairman Ho's tea cup though!"
(VC Ruble. I can still hear him saying that. I think I might borrow that one)

"On more than one occasion, I had in my sight the head of Chairman Ho... just one squeeze of the trigger, and the war's over. But I was never given that order. And I ain't gonna get locked in the brig for the rest of my natural born life!"

Later military career:

"I once guarded a nuclear facility. Got a 2-star Lieutenant General retired. Heres how: This General had the base locked up as tight as a duck's butt (or some metaphor to that affect, I forget). But I managed to sneak in a portable timed bomb - set for 10 seconds. When this 2-star was forced to resign for my actions, he once asked me why I only set it for 10 secs. I told him that with a blast like that, its gonna be a one-way ticket."

And then there was a bunch more about joining Civil war gaming clubs, and dominating so hard that he would get kicked out by the moderators. (of course, he would always play the confederacy).

I'll report back soon with any more yarn sequels. Also, I'll post a prequel of "Dusty's tirades" later...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is awesome. I can see it now..."memoirs of a lowly hospital orderly/accountant/bookkeeper" whatever. You should write a book.

pink turtle.