Lite-Brites = Bomb-Scare

So we've been hearing all week about these "devices" planted by evil Adult Swim agents - many being mistaken as "bombs". Seriously, do these look like bombs to you?



If this looks like a bomb to you:

A.) You might also believe that 24 is real (dude, it's fucking KIEFER!)
B.) You're too young to remember Lite-Brite.
C.) You need to read "Beyond Fear", and start worrying about drowning in your own bath-tub before terrorism.

So, once more. This is a bomb:


This is a Lite-Brite:


If the FBI, CIA, or Boston Authorities can't figure out the difference between the two, then I guess we really should be worried. In this case, these evil Cartoon Network minions committed the most unforgivable of crimes:
They made the government look bad.

Van Halen with DLR: Yes, it might just happen

The staff here at Meet the Stress, inc. are all confirmed sieg heilers, heel-clickers, and goose-steppers for Van Halen. And by Van Halen, we are referring to the classic line-up of Eddie Van Halen, Brother Alex, Michael Anthony, and most important - Diamond David Lee Fucking Roth (ie, God).

According to this unassailable logic, Van Halen officially reached oblivion and room temperature on April 1, 1985 when Roth was booted and replaced with the devil - Sammy Hagar (aka "Bette Midler drag act", "Squinty McZubaz", "Fatty Pajamaman"). Sure, there had always been some infighting between DL-fing-R and the Halen bros. But this raises a much greater question: Why argue with God? (aka DLR)

Of course, any and all future variations on this Roth-less theme - up to and including the terrible flirtation with Gary Cherone - should also be viewed as non-canonical, blasphemous, heretical, and contrary to all natural law.

On this note, I'm proud to announce a possible long-awaited resurrection:
Billboard: "Van Halen Reuniting with Roth for Tour"

Now some cautionary notes. I covered my bases in the title: "Yes, it just might happen". Several big variables and obstacles to overcome:

A.) First and foremost, David Lee Roth and his overwhelming ego. Of course, when you're God, this goes with the territory. When DLR told Moses "Tell them 'I am' has sent you" the connotation here is that nothing exists without the supreme will of DLR, right? The VH bros just gotta deal.

B.) Michael Anthony DOA. On September 8th 2006, Eddie VH announced that Anthony was out, and that his 15 year old son Wolfgang was VH's new bassist. We all love Mike and his Jack Bass, but really - crucial VH member, or expendable? You know the answer. But it's gottta be pretty insulting to be replaced with a 15 yo punk.

C.) Three on one. Lil' Wolfie is going to be the VH bros' sock puppet. So that's Alex, Eddie, and Wolfie vs. God. This certainly could be a recipe for disaster.

D.) This is really 15 years too late. As much as we appreciate God and all his wisdom, DLR has always been pretty pretty thin on-top - and getting thinner.

...and Eddie's new corpse look doesn't sweeten the offer:


But to this I say we've seen worse - and it wasn't that bad. We saw DLR solo at Bumbershoot 2004 and he fucking ruled. We saw an overweight VH cover-band last week in Portland, and they fucking ruled. If they can all get-it-together, and if DLR can be magnanimous and benevolent with his ego (big if), it just might work.

There is always hope. There is some glue left to keep them together. This time, we must look-to and trust-in Benjamin Franklin & his clone army for some much-needed hope glue:


There are only a few shows that I've ever paid over $50 to see. Iron Maiden with Rob Halford (worth every penny). Slayer, Black Sabbath, Priest, and Iron Maiden (easily every penny). This show I am willing to spend anything. I'd say one Benji is my limit, but I'd be lying.

In leu of this exciting news, I've planted the Van Halen torch (upper-right) - claiming this blogland for VH. But more importantly - when all the variables, obstacles, and egos are tossed-aside, our friends at RothArmy.com will ignite their VH torch - and every other torch linked to it.

So there it is: Save-up your shekels, & pray daily to DLR that Benjamin Franklin's clone-army hope-glue brings it all home.

Conservative Information Black-Hole (Busted!)

Alternative title: "Why conservatives reside in terminal idiocy"

In a previous entry I decried conservative websites for dubious citation jobs. In particular I targeted Orbusmax - a local conservative news-service (of sorts):

"Because he's always using other right-wingnuts as sources, Orbusmax is a prime offender for being right-wing recycle-bin/ echo-chamber."

Here's a prime example. Orbusmax' bold headline right now reads:
"Report: Gulf States Prepared to Back US Military Strike on Iran"

Clicking on the link does not bring you to a credible source: For example, no report from Gulf State ambassador(s); no minutes from a Gulf State coalition meeting; no Gulf State leader(s) statements, letters, documents, etc. No, clicking on this only sends us to orbusmax' favorite go-to conservative weblog Little Green Footballs, who gives us this entry:
"Report: Gulf States Prepared to Back US Military Strike on Iran"

Information, sources, and citations become even more chimerical from here. Little Green Footballs gives us a segment of a "...paper, written by GRC program director, Dr. Christian Koch," but gives us no link to that paper. This segment also fails to present any actual credible Gulf State sources (listed above).

Again, there is still no link to this phantom "paper" or any report, but LGFootballs does give us this:

A new paper issued by an influential Dubai think tank suggests that Gulf states may be prepared to back a US military strike on Iran

This hyperlink sends us to - wait for it - yet another weblog. This Alice rabbit-hole is run by the ultra-conservative NY daily, The Daily Sun. And it get's better (or worse). The article posted on this blog is again titled:

"Report: Gulf States Prepared to back US Military Strikes on Iran"
(still waiting for the actual link to an actual report)

This weblog article - posted by online editor Daniel Freedman - seems to be the final resting place for this weblog circle-jerk. But like all the others, Freedman again makes reference to "...paper, written by GRC program director, Dr. Christian Koch," but again fails to provide any verifiable links to that paper. Freedman's article includes the same segment as LGFootballs. But again, no citation, no report, no link.

Freedman makes reference to a speech given by Bush's Under Seceretary of State Nicholas Burns to the GRC where Burns said:

"The Middle East isn't a region to be dominated by Iran. The Gulf isn't a body of water to be controlled by Iran. That's why we've seen the United States station two carrier battle groups in the region,"

But there is no reference here to any Gulf States backing this US move. Again, no credible sources - no report from Gulf State ambassador(s); no minutes for a Gulf State coalition meeting; no Gulf State leader(s) statements, letters, documents, etc - are given to verify this claim.

Taken together: A supposed online news-service cites a conservative blog that cites another conservative blog that cites NOTHING.

Unfortunatly, many people reading an alarmist & determinitive headline about Gulf States backing US military strikes on Iran will accept it at face-value. Many will show up to the water-cooler tomorrow with a "Guess what I heard?". Many others will lovingly send mass emails to friends/family with the headline, linking back our friend Orbusmax.

All this undoubtedly improves the advertising revenue for Orbusmax & his circle-jerk blog friends. But we live in country where the president is actively suppressing information and then actively declassifying only parts of documents that support his schemes.

In this context, the propegation of pseudo-information is a detriment to our democratic survival as a country, and the Soviet-caliber propagandists using this tactic should be cast into the same asheap of history.

Belated Passage: Alfred Hamilton 1920-2004

Last weekend's Portland road-trip tribulation presented a few new stories for the ages: A new nickname; A profane jager-induced rage at a Van Halen cover-band playing Haggar; A "No-athon"; Chasing Mariah around with a DLR residue-laced hand.

But one segment stuck-out in my mind from the return trip. I've made note of this road-side display on several previous I-5 trips, but like many items in my life, that note had been repeatedly filed deep into my ADD-adled archives. This time I kept thinking about it afterwards - clearly a lifetime of exposure to this I-5 landmark had pushed aside all other higher brain functions.


For I-5 travelling Warsh-ingtonians, the Uncle Sam billboard between Chehalis & Centralia has become both an unsightly attraction & the purest form of 1st Amendment use. I'm normally hit with a combo-punch of both descriptions - inducing a nervous chuckle.

Again, this exposure pushed me deep into thought about the who's, what's, & why's behind Chehalis' beloved/hated Uncle Sam. The initial searches for all things Uncle Sam were incredibly fruitless - "Washington" and "Uncle Sam" led google into empty pastures. But after several deep caches, I finally found a name and obituary:

Alfred Hamilton, 1920-2004:
He Put Conservative Views on Billboard

Photo: Hamilton and Billboard - 1972
(Note: Answers that spawn more questions - Who the hell is Bill Caruth?)

As you can see, Hamilton's death hit the AP and was quickly carried nationwide:
New York Times: "Highway's Message Board Now Without a Messenger"
San Fran Chronicle: "Washington State Loses a Unique Free-speech Icon"

And what a surprise! Our dear wingnuts at the Freerepublic also picked it up:
"Owner of I-5's 'Uncle Sam' Billboard Dies at 84"
(w/ 50+ fun posts of Freeper commentary)

The best resource as always is the one closest to ground zero. I went through the Chehalis Chronicle archives & found (and paid for) a total gem of an obituary. From this, I've been able to piece-together a biographical sketch of sorts for this free-speech anti-hero:

Born: March 31, 1920, in Chehalis to parents Frank and Edith Hamilton.

Attended the one-room Valley School and later studied at what is now Washington State University - never graduating.

From daughter Sherryl Zurek:
"If he graduated, he would have been drafted. He quit early so he could get a deferment, and he farmed instead of going into the service."
(Wow, a draft-dodger - and dodged WWII no less!)

Married Ruth Knoles in 1942.He raised sheep, then started raising turkeys, producing as many as 20,000 to 30,000 a year on the land just north of Midway Meats and west of Interstate 5. Hamilton became interested in real estate, building and leasing the Ribeye restaurant and McDonald's on the land left him by his father
(Turner, Tyler, Anna & I used to swear by the Ribeye's "Irish Nacho" goodness)

He originally built the sign in 1971 at the instigation of his wife, who found that the state was spending more money on welfare than on schools.
(See? That damned Eve made me do it)

In 1971, then-state Attorney General Slade Gorton filed a lawsuit against Hamilton for his billboard under the Scenic Vista Act.
(An interesting 1st Amendment case - you can read the lawsuit resolution in it's entirety here):
STATE v. HAMILTON 1979

Tom Bradshaw, pastor of Chehalis First Christian Church, gives us this Al Hamilton profile:
"He stood about 6-3 or 6-4, and weighed 200 pounds or so. He gave you the feeling he was the kind of man you wouldn't want to mess with."
(Amen, brother)

I also managed to hunt down a few select photos of Uncle Al's sayings. Most NW excursionists are familiar with the subject matter: an endless tirade against all things Liberal, Commie, Red, Pinko & Blue - and every hue in-between. Again, either making us giggle or stressing our over-caffienated AVM's (usually both).

Tyler and the other Evergreen State College Alumni reminded me of this Al Hamilton gold - Later used by Evergreen as an actual postcard sold in their gift-shop. I still think they should make a T-shirt of this one - I'd wear it:


Here's one that found Herr Hamilton at odds with the Bush admin. A tirade here against all those who oppose America-as-birth-right:


The close 2004 gubernatorial election between Gregoire/Rossi made us all pretty tense. Apparently, Al was so tense he skipped the ladder:


And of course the Iraq War would weigh heavily on the mind of a WWII draft-dodger - evoking this grevience against all us quagmire/civil-war protesters. We also see what might be our final view of Chehalis' favorite bristled curmudgeon.

(Unintentional comedy: I would stay seated and support the UW in Pullman's Martin stadium - let alone the gates of hell.)

From the various articles, several other Al-isms were recorded - all in caps of course. Tongue-depresser handy? Good, your going to need it:

"BOOTH GARDNER:
A MAN WHO THINKS TWICE BEFORE HE SAYS NOTHING."

"PACKWOOD RETIRES
AFTER TWENTY-SEX YEARS IN SENATE"

"GOVERNORS LIKE LOWRY DON'T GROW ON TREES.
THEY SWING FROM THEM."

"DOES LOCKE SUPPORT ALL DRUNK DRIVERS?"
(editor's note: WHAT?)

"AIDS TURNS FRUITS INTO VEGETABLES." (Yikes)

"THERE ARE NO BILLBOARDS IN RUSSIA, CUBA, OR COMMUNIST CHINA."

But with all the blathering bravado, Al's friend and turkey business partner George Duby gives us this all-important crux:

"Even though we disagreed on many things, I think it made our friendship stronger."

And quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson, Duby adds:

"It is always better to be a thorn in the side of your friend than an echo." (Don't I know!)

And fear not, road-side attractioneer: Al's death in 2004 - apparently of Alzheimers & Cancer - did not silence Uncle Sam. The Hamilton fam is stepping-in and accepting the curmudgeon torch. Testimonial: new anti-immigrant script up last weekend (all caps) for your drive-by viewing pleasure.

Here's the near-to-exact map-quest:
1360 Rush Rd. Chehalis, WA 98532-8728

If you can, please don't just pass it by. Pull over, take a photo, and then post it here - a living shrine to Washington's favorite free-speech rebel.

Afterwards, drop by the Ribeye for some Irish Nachos. Leave a tater-skin behind for Al.

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."
~Voltaire

Bibliography:
Lawton, Mark. "'Uncle Sam' Billboard Owner Dies."
Chehalis Chronicle 10 Nov. 2004, local ed.

Nate's Picks for 2006

I don't do requests, but I made an acception for one Bella Dulcet - our AZ blue-hearted sister (how does she do it?).

The Request: Nate's favorite & most-read political websites.

I gave-up the usual suspects:

Media Matters
Known for catching Rightwingnuts in the media on video with their pants down. Founded by David Brock - ex-GOP hitman. Herr Falafeloofa hates them - nuff said.

Blatherwatch
A locally run muckraker - similar to Media Matters. Anytime a spider farts in NW radioland, Founder/Host Michael Hood hears it. Great for unmasking the soviet-esque secrecy of corporate radio. Styblehead hates them - nuff said .

...But then she stopped me:

"No Nate, I mean the conservative wacko sites"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I said, with Sesame Street drug-dealer enthusiasm.

I look around each shoulder and then yank her into a back alley,
opening my trench coat (salacious, no?)

"conservative wacko sites?", she whispers.
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight"

See, much like Lefty the Salesman trying to sell Ernie a "Q" for a nickel, my growing collection of wack-job conservative websites is a dark art - a secret rite, if you will. I could tell you, but the knowledge alone just might kill you...

...But what the hell, it's the fucking holidays, right? I wanna see some death!
Without further ado:

Nate's favorite Right-wing resources:
Moving from the surface towards the earth's core...

Drudgereport.com
An "Enquirer for wingnuts" of sorts (Actually, I'm pretty sure the Enquirer is more accurate). Quite a suck-sess story: Founder Matt Drudge was a Deli manager in DC, and had an ear for gossip. Running an email news service from his CPU, he was the first to uncover, break, and run-with the Lewinsky scandal. Pretty much the Godfather of modern pajama-journalism - left or right.

Unfortunatly, Drudge's scoop on Lewinsky was one of his last & only Bulls-eyes. For the most part, he now relies on shotgun/grenade journalism - printing anything anyone spits his way (against liberals/progressives), and every once in a while, he'll be right. Other than that, you'll also find celeb scandals 'o plenty here.

Note: Drudge loves to delete his archives when he's proven wrong/libelous.

Orbusmax.com
A local drudgereport with less celeb scandal poop. Orbus takes most of his national headlines (right column) from WorldNetDaily,(see below) Newsmax, & MichelleMalkin. Because he's always using other right-wing-nuts as sources, Orbusmax is one of the worst offenders for right-wing recycle bin-echo chambers. Ironically, many SeaWA talk-show hosts take there talking-points straight from Orbusmax.
(listen to KIRO's Frank Shiers while reading Orbusmax.)

OH! and Orbusmax is famous for using this headline Mad Lib tactic:
____________________________________________UNHINGED!
(anytime a progressive decides to speak their mind)

Before I die, I want Orbusmax to say "Merciful Nate - UNHINGED". Which brings us to...

WorldNetDaily.com
I find it endlessly amusing that Orbusmax picks through haystacks for unhinged liberal pins, when EVERY door in WorldNetDaily has been ripped out & stored back in Uncle Cletus' shed. Fundy Ayatollahs UNHINGED. Actually, WND is a very useful and inspiring site - great for many of my favorite blog-games:

* Compare/contrast WorldNetDaily headline with TheOnion or LandoverBaptist headline. One's an Ayatollah Fundy site. Two are parodies. Spot the difference.

* Right Wing Cannibalism: WorldNetDaily is so far right, sometimes they fall off the edge and try to pull the rest into the pool with em. Great for finding posts on Bush/Immigration back-biting, GOP sex scandals, & even Fundy vs. Fundy!

OH! And where the hell else are you gonna read Chuck-fucking-Norris' latest collumn? Huh? HUH? Yeah, thats what I fuckin thought.

Note: the following advert GIF is currently up and flashing on WorldNetDaily:

(yipes)

And now folks - The very deepest of pits (Thats right, WorldNetDaily was only a Sub-basement), I give you:

FreeRepublic.com
Don't let their low-tech advert-lite environment fool you! FreeRepublic is the largest online posting arena for fun-loving, Red-state, Bush-lovin, Sheep-minded, Fundy Ayatollahs (nicknamed "Freepers"). Picture in your mind Tim Eyman & Pat Robertson. Now mix together & arm heavily. Now multiply several thousand times. Yeah, yikes.

Even better than WorldNetDaily for blog-games. My favorite?

* Song of the Freepers: Pluck a story from the news that you know wingnuts will hate, then plunk it into FP's search engine up top. A larger collection of unhinged wing-nuts you will never find. Harborzoo Med Center on a Friday night has nothing on this. Seriously, this could be the greatest political blog generator ever.

* Tears of the Freepers: When the Dems started to sweep congress this year, my first thought was: "Hmmmm, I wonder what the Freepers are doing". The link above gives you the greatest sequence of internet posts ever: From excited, to anxious, to pissed, to threatening(!), to crying in their oats. For progressive inner-schadenfreude vampires everywhere. Feast on their tears!

And even better: Every single unhinged wingnut comes complete with their very-own myspace-esque profile. Here's just a sample "Kronos77"

Warning: Before contacting and/or playing happy-joy-joy myspace-friends with freepers, remember that most of them are more than likely impotent-positive (m), libido-negative (f), and well-armed (both)

So there you go, Bella Dulcet et al - Nate's picks for 2006.

"It'll cost ya just a Nickel"

"A NICKEL!!"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

whispers: "A Nickel"

"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT"

September 11th Remembered

September 11th marks a dark day for democracy

A day when a democratic country was attacked.

Attacked by a conspiracy of internal tyrannical thugs - allied with the devious plot of a foreign government.

This attack resulted in the death of nearly 3,000 people,
with the injury & "disappearances" of thousands more.

September 11, 1973
That country: Chile
The tyrannical thugs: Augusto Pinochet's coup d'état of the democratically elected Allende government
The foreign government: The US under Nixon/Kissinger.

With the natural death of the thug Augusto Pinochet on December 10, 2006 (Human Rights day - ironically), may we now learn from history instead of repeating it again: No natural death for tyrants.

Sic semper tyrannis

F. Winston Gerards - In Memoriam

F.Winston Gerards
1993-2006

This Monday, the Gerards family lost our beloved Himalayen feline to the wild Acacian woods.

When Karleen and Don took that European trip around the summer of 1993, they had no idea what the kids would get up to: A grand party that would run off the rails, and a tiny grey bundle of fluff - replacement for the recently departed "Ezekiel".

His name was originally "Fizgig" - after his uncanny resemblence to Jim Hensen's rolling ball of fuzz in the Dark Crystal. We picked him from a litter of his brethren in Duvall. In mind's eye, I see your mother: A completely concaved face. Your father must have somehow filled-in that DNA face-crater.

When Mom and Dad came home - their anger over the party aftermath was quickly assuaged by the new arrival. From their Euro-travels, they decided on the name "Winston", after the pudgy faced UK PM.

Other than Fizgig & Winston, he had many other nom de guerres - from many other friends:
"Winstoner"
"Stoner"
"Goofball"
"Doofus"
"Biscuit boy" & "Mr. Biscuits"
"Talkin' boy" (after Bessie died)
"Bud"
"Kiddo"

I can still see Winston brutally attacking his older brother Bones after we applied the Kitty gas mask (inhaling bottle of catnip pellets) . Bones never could figure out what triggered such brutality.

I last saw you 2 weeks ago when the folks left Thanksgiving weekend. Even gave you a bath to clean up that scabby chin - always allergic to everything. A serene moment: Winston wrapped in 3 towels, pretty pissed-off after being hoodwinked into the bath, but now relaxing and taking-in a Chapelle episode.

So many other memories that come to mind. Over this next week, as the stories slowly roll back in to my conscience, I'll add them here. For those of you that remember & loved Winston, please leave them here too.

Our Immortal sovereign,
Grand sculpter of stardust clay,
We give you our grey kid Winston
Keep him healthy & happy
in your eternal Guf

Love you bud,
~N

Blatherwatch, Part IV: "Political Rubbers vs. Roads

A more general topic this time - and personal. Open thread, so please feel free to drop comments at blatherwatch

Open Thread: Political Rubbers vs. Roads

Exerpt:

Where do your politics begin and your relationship(s) end?
(Where does "culture" stop & and " a war" start?)

Is politics a day-to-day full-contact sport,
or just a Star Wars vs. Star Trek fan-rivalry with different costumes?

Do you personally draw a line in the sand?
If so, where is that line? (issues vs. friends, dating, relationships, or marriages)
If someone crosses that line, what are the consequences?

Blatherwatch, Part III

Better than Godfather III, I promise:

Styblehead's Last Stand

An obscure radio reference here. A late night ex KIRO host named Bryan Styble managed to secure a "one night only" spot last night/morning to cover the snowstorm. Night of horrors.

Long story short: You were all lucky to be sleeping that night. I suffered through KIRO's late-night blasphemies on your behalf.

Note: At one point, Styble barfed the following:

"I think Van Halen was a much better band with Sammy Haggar than with David Lee Roth"

Yeah, it was pretty bad.

Blatherwatch, Part II

"Glenn Beck Mad Libs"

For those of you who don't know, Glenn Beck hosts a terrible show on Headline News (!!!). Beck is also an Everett native - not that there's anything wrong with that. hahahahah

Enjoy

Blatherwatch, Part I

I am currently guest-posting for the NW radio-centered site:
blatherwatch, while author/founder is vacating.

First post is now up:
"Trucker Talk Fleec-o-matic? 10-4!"

I feel like Navin R. Johnson
"Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now. "

For those just joining us, 710KIRO's late-night line-up has been a long sad story of good folks not getting there just-deserts, bad-radio poo sinking to the bottom, and then eventually everything flushed down the toilet & replaced with a big syndicated radio-bot (ie "Trucker Talk").

I know, not the greatest post (no significant research), but was tuning into some late-night KIRO radio & got a writing itch. Strange inspiration, but we've been deputized to cover blather.

2004 Political Autopsy revisited

Admit one: The Way-back Machine.

Well, not that far back. No one wants to see Nate's Vision Street regalia circa 1988. Let's just pull the flux-capacitated DeLorean off at the following exit-ramp:

November 4th, 2004 - "Victory with Strings"

Possibly due to "Values voters", Bush has just won his second term over John Kerry. The GOP now has control of 2/3 branches of government - with future conservative court appointments completing the monopoly.
(*see footnotes)

Facing this cadaver, I decided to sift through the entrails and do some political autopsy. Using the theory of the political bell-curve, one could conclude that George W Bush's victory was a poison pill - that it would create a split within his own party. By energizing the US Ayatollahs (who vote in big numbers), Bush might secure a victory over "the middle" (who don't vote as often), but this victory would come at a consequence: the alienation of economic conservatives (Guliani/Schwarzeneggers, George Wills, Milton Friedmans, etc) who represent a far larger piece of GOP pie.

In other words, here's why the GOP lost so big this year: Economic conservatives got jealous about Bush's Ayatollah footsy and either:
A.) Stayed home
B.) Voted democratic

But here's the punchline. All across the AM dial, wingnut blatherers are building a very odd heavy wax from their tears. The overwhelming content of this wax proclaims that tthe GOP took this "Thumpin" because the candidates "weren't conservative enough". Now economically, they might be right - A bigger group of Gubment-cheese porky-pigs I have never seen (see: "Old McDonald's Petting Zoo" recieving Homeland Security cash)

But Social conservatives? I sure hope they go on thinking this.
Rick Santorum - arch-conservative & terrible analogist - ran a far-right socially-conservative agenda and was fairly free of Abramoff scandal scum. Despite this, Santorum got his fundy-butt kicked in PA: Losing to Robert Casey, Jr by 18%. Note: When an incumbant in any state loses by that much, you call that a "grand thumpin".

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it? I can't be the only one who loves watching another all-out charge against the Maschinengewehr 08

Sometimes the truth hurts, but sometimes it feels real good.

* Footnotes:

Irony of all iron-knees, even after the 2004 conservative monopoly on everything, Herr Falafeloofa (Bill O'Reilly) invented yet another moral-majority martyr complex (ie pulled it out his ass), for yet another of his high-larious "War on Christmas" bits.

Note: And He's doing it again. Thanks to all you godless fags, we may not even have a Christmas this year.
Note 2: And here I was thinking it was proper to pospone all mythological holy wars until after Thanksgiving. Sheesh

People to Bush: "No, We're the Decider!"

Since I first became politically aware/active, I would from time to time talk with folks who believed their vote counted for nothing. And I totally empathize - for a significant period of time, I felt the same. I still voted, but I never believed it really mattered.

The events this week will serve as a history lesson plan & template to squash the futile belief that your vote doesn't matter. The events this week were a clear message to our leaders: You do not rule us - we are YOUR employers. We can, will, do, & did say "You're FIRED".

Don't believe me? Just take a look at this sequence of the events this week:
November 2, 2006
"Bush Says Rumsfeld Should Stay in Office Until the End of His Presidency"

November 7th, 2006
Democrats sweep House, Senate hangs in balance

November 8th, 2006
Rumsfeld Resigns as Defense Secretary

Message Heard
Message Understood
Message Acknowledged
HOOOOOAH!

Think about it. This is a major foreign policy shift, during a war (albeit undeclared), in a government sector that is notoriously numb to public pressure (The Pentagon) - the equivalant of a tit mouse pushing an elephant. All precipitated by the events of November 7th, 2006 - the tit-mouse that roared.

Behold: the raw power of voting.
Now get out there and do it again.

Senator Santorum (R-PA) compares America to "The Land of Sorrow"

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), decided to exhibit a fine case of hoof/mouth disease:

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else," Santorum said, describing the tool the evil Lord Sauron used in search of the magical ring that would consolidate his power over Middle-earth.

"It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S." Santorum continued. "You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States"

For proper analysis of Santorum's hoof/mouth, it's obvious that several things must be promptly shunted off the table.

First off, Time and Space go bye-bye due to the fact that Bush's Real Iraq Adventure-turned-quagmire started in 2003, whereas Tolkien wrote his Fantasy books in 1954,

Secondly, we also have to say adios to JRR Tolkien's thoughts on his own work:
"As for any inner meaning or 'message', it has in the intention of the author none. It is neither allegorical nor topical."
~JRR Tolkien, Forward, Lord of the Rings

But okay, Santorum has decided to live in his own fantasyland. You know, the same fantasyland that argues "Staying the course" will lead to "victory", without defining either "the course" or "victory". For the sake of Illuvatar-knows-what, let's just set aside time/space and Tolkien's post-humous "fuck you", and endulge Herr Santorum with his analogy.

The first part seems pretty straight forward:

The Army at the gates of Mordor as a distraction for the Eye of Sauron
-is to-
US military in Iraq as a distraction to "terrorism"

Seems fairly straight forward. But distracting The Eye of Sauron (terrorism) from what? As you can see, from this point on Santorum's comparison falls apart exponentially... or maybe not? Taking the comparison to it's proper fruition:

The Eye of Sauron (Terrorism) is being distracted by the army marching toward at The Black Gate (Iraq). Because of this distraction, the Eye of Sauron (Terrorism) is focused away from MORDOR (America) .
DOH!!! (or hmmmmmmmm....).

Perhaps we should just set-aside Time/Space or Tolkien's grave-rolling and post-humous fuck you's & just take Santorum at his word. C'mon ABCNews, grow some minerals and run with this headline:

"Senator Santorum Compares America to Mordor"
(ie, The Black Land/Land of Sorrow)

Alright don't then, you cowards - but I will.

Note: A few other blogerrific individuals have been hard at work mining this story...
Blogger Allyn properly connects Santorum's logic - noting the the army in LOTR was being sent on a complete suicide mission. Santorum forgets of course that the US(Mordor) owns no magic rings.(???)
On a lighter note, photo funster Kvatch has fun with Santorum (ie, The Mouth of Sauron).

Note 2: For shits-n-giggles, do a google search of "Santorum" and hit "I'm feeling lucky". You google-bombing pranksters/geniuses, you!

GOP Fear-card hits wall

As mentioned here: "GOP vs. Everything we hold dear", the not-so-bright-wing is on a full-court press to scare the bajeezers out of everyone right before the midterm election. Unfortunately for them, all intelligence is working against them (not that intelligence ever worked for them):

Intel: War has Worsened Terror Threat
"The report found that the war has helped create a new generation of Islamic radicalism and that the overall terrorist threat has grown since the Sept. 11 attacks."

Lesson learned: We are not safer after Bush's Iraq adventure
Lesson for the not-so-bright-wing: Thrust fingers farther in ears & add decibels singing

Checking my political tea-leaves/entrails. I see another heavy pandering to the Fundio-fascists - dusting off the ol' reliable Abortio-fag card. Hmmmmmm... this knotted lower intestine here indicates a possible Presidential "emergency trip" to the bedside of a lobotomized vegetable...

Stay tuned...

GOP Fear-card vs. US Constitution/Patriotism/Logic (take your pick)

And so it begins. The Bush administration - & their GOP bottoms in Congress - need to desperately improve their poll numbers. Solution: playing the oldest trick in the book - The Fear Card

Behold the Republican Playbook: Frightening voters

Get ready for the full-court press on all the tighty-righty networks and talk-shows. Basically, flush the Constitution because you're a scared - secret prisons, warrentless wiretaps, Soviet-esque torture - all in-play. Again, all because you're scared.
(Silly me, and I always assumed America was the "Home of the Brave")

But note (thesis time): These GOP fear tricks are 100% anti-American, 100% anti-Constitutional, and 100% out of touch with our real American values. Not only that, they're also 100% out of touch with basic risk assessment.

So be prepared - Here's some fully loaded Desert Eagle .50 information cannons:

You'll be hearing the following ad nauseum
"If you're not doing anything wrong /If you're not a terrorist, you have nothing to worry about"

First off, read the 4th Amendment. Yeah, sorry, if Big Brother is searching my place/phone/library records without a warrant, then the Government is doing something wrong - Point set match, & NEVER the reverse. Its called checks and balances. Forgot about this annoyance? Our Founding Fathers did not! Click on this hyperlink, or go back to fucking high school

Secondly, ever wonder about the origin of this beautiful quote? Do you think "Those doing nothing wrong need not worry" is in touch with America's values? Think a red-blooded 'Merican grew this in his patriot pea patch?

Think again:

"If you have done nothing wrong, comrade, then you have nothing to fear"
Lavrenti Pavlovich Beria,
Head of NKVD Secret Police under Stalin
Responsible for the death/imprisonment of millions during Stalin's purges.
(que Lee Greenwood)

You'll also hear this one until your ears bleed:
"Those who oppose the leader's policies are (take your pick): giving aid and comfort to the enemy, exposing the country to danger, and/or lacking patriotism..."

So which proud American patriot uttered this proud patriotic jewel?
Hmmmm, am I the only one who doesn't count Herman Goering as an American Patriot?

"Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
Herman Goering
Leading member of the Nazi Party
2nd in command of the Third Reich
Commander of the Luftwaffe SS

Still scared? Well, let's delve into some raw data. How likely are you going to be the target (and die) from terrorism?

According to the CIA data,
"Deaths from international terrorism fell to 2,527 in the decade of the 1990's, from 4,833 in the 80's"
L. C. Johnson, "The Declining Terrorist Threat,"
New York Times, July 10, 2001

Okay, math time! (2,527/10=252.7) That's 252.7 deaths per year (worldwide!)
But hey, let's just pretend that these stats are wrong, that Clinton did not make us safer than Bush Sr.(!!!), and go with the deaths from the 1980s - 483.3 deaths per year. Now, let's put all this into perspective.

Leading causes of death - US per year
Heart disease: 654,092
Cancer: 550,270
Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 150,147
Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 123,884
Diabetes: 72,815
Influenza/Pneumonia: 61,472
Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 42,762
Septicemia: 33,464

(How did the invasion of Iraq or Dept of Homeland Security going to make you safer in these risk catagories? I may have missed something in our faulty pre-war intelligence. Did Iraq have anything to do with our smoking or shitty diets?)

Okay, now let's go ahead a narrow it down - compare some apples with apples:

20 Leading Causes of Violence-Related Injury Deaths, US per year
Suicide - Firearm: 16,907
Homicide - Firearm: 11,920
Suicide - Suffocation: 6,635
Suicide - Poisoning: 5,462
Homicide - cut/pierce: 2,049
Suicide - fall: 723
Homicide - suffocation: 670
Suicide - cut/pierce: 571
Suicide - drowning: 339

(how bout them apples?)

Now let's put it all together. News blurbs are based on words per minute. Here's your quick and easy sound-bite responses to the GOP fear card:

A.) I have nothing to fear. Not because I'm "guiltless", but because the US Constitution (4th Amendment) says you need a warrant, Comrade Beria sir

B.) I am a proud American who opposes the teachings of Herman Goering, Commander of the Nazi SS

C.) Go away you stupid GOP boogeyman, I'm not scared. The likelihood of being killed by international terrorism falls somewhere between slashing my wrists and an over-enthusiastic self baptism.

Oh, still looking for a quote from a REAL American patriot?
Here you go:

"They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security"
~Benjamin Franklin

Captured Webb - Crazy like a fox?

Huge developments on the Mike Webb front.
Note: Meet the Stress has been moving our HQ & have been fairly AWOL from the courtroom proceedings, (but obviously full-steam ahead on acronym usage). Much thanks to blatherwatch and others for keeping everyone up to speed.

Ex-KIRO talk-show host Mike Webb has been on trial for insurance fraud after being arrested in January (and promptly fired from KIRO). Your over-enthusiastic staff here at Meet the Stress had a unique experience in a KC Courthouse hallway with Mr. Webb in late July - chronicled here in: Mike Webb begs the question: "Can I shoot 'em?". We found out that Webb has a garlic-esque aversion to all things photog - but did manage to capture the soul of a charging Webb in full corporate corruption scandal glory:


Mike Webb with Attorney Mark Larranga
(exclaiming "No... Mike... DON'T!")

Amazingly, until recently, this was the closest anyone has come to capturing the elusive omnivore. Before that, the only other was from Webb's site (no pun intended):
Meet the Stress' on-call paleontologist has carbon-dated this photo back to the cretaceous


But no longer. Seattle Times reporter Natalie Singer has broken the chain with this beaut:

Note: Any similarities between these photos and photos found in
Multinomah County's "Faces of Meth" Campaign are purely coincidental.

And the downward spiral just continues to... hmmm...(synonym for spiral further downward?... something?... oh fuggetaboudit). As reported by Blatherwatch: on Wednesday during a break in court, Webb had a giant non-psychobilly freakout, landing him in Harborzoo Med ctr for psych observation.

BUT! This tantrum - and consequential handcuffing - occurred in front of jurors from his case, and (of course) promptly resulted in a mistrial. Equally prompt prosecutor Nancy Balin is pushing to retry the case as early as next week.

So the big question remains: How will the King County legal system effectively prosecute a walking mistrial?

Note to KIRO: Love him or hate him, your overnight ratings would be gargantuan if Webb was doing the overnights. At the very least, rid yourselves of the Styblehead Boast-to-Boast ratings black-hole before all graveyard workers have juror-present tantrums of their own!


Next project: New updated photo of Styblehead with his supposed "long luxurious locks" (shudder)

Looking back, and Looking forward

5 years later - Are we safer?

One state sure is. A state with three times more cattle than people.

On the record: Wyoming chief of homeland security

Tired of Bush mentioning 9-11?

Alright, it's our turn: Since the attacks on September 11, 2001, the least populous state in the entire US - has recieved the largest per capita chunk of Homeland Security cash - $27.80 per person. Thats TWICE as much as New York - center of the 9-11 attacks (THREE TIMES as much as California - I can only imagine what Seattle/Washington received. ).
Note: Wyoming is Dick Cheney's home state. Coincidence?

Let's put this all into perspective. When Bush says he has made us safer, what he's really saying is that cows are now safer than the citizens of New York - where on September 11 2001, 2,801 human beings perished.

Yes, we have enemies that want to harm us. But make no mistake, those enemies are not targeting sagebrush, not targeting rattlesnakes, not targeting livestock, and not targeting dirtclods.

Our enemies are thrilled that a giant porky bureaucracy is being built over a tiny, unpopulated, land-locked state. Our enemies are thrilled that New York & California - our most vulnerable metropolitan & port areas - are receiving nothing.

In giving Wyoming the lionshare of Homeland Security dough, Bush is giving aid and comfort to the enemy. This November, let's bring is all to a screeching hault.

Warrantless Wire-tap Decision (with Freeper Commentary)

The inevitable happened:

"U.S. judge orders halt to NSA wiretap program"

Wow. Hands-up: who's suprised? Checks and Balances. Fourth Amendment. Constitution of the United States. I find it sad that a Presidential program can be easily overturned by high school civics material.

I can just see Bush being confronted by the Mystery Machine gang, cursing & shaking his fist:
"And I would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for that meddling US Constitution!"

Haven't yet read Judge Diggs complete decision (PDF), but I will tonight. I strongly encourage all of you - political leanings aside - to turn off the blathering cable news and do the same. You'll learn something. I promise.

Until then, here's just a choice segment from the ruling:

"Our constitution was drafted by founders and ratified by a people who still held in vivid memory the image of King George III and his General Warrants. There are no hereditary Kings in America and no powers not created by the Constitution."

The words just dance on the page, don't they?

That's really all I got for the time being. We turn now to our fearless crew of Nate News Corp. contributors, represented tonight by Free Republic.

Background: Free Republic is the largest online posting arena for fun-loving, Red-state, Bush-BJ-ing, Sheep-minded, Fundy Ayatollahs (nicknamed "Freepers"). Picture in your mind Tim Eyman & Pat Robertson. Now mix together. Now multiply several thousand times. Yeah, yikes.

So without further ado, I give you "Song of the Freepers":

Yoo Hoo .. more on our terrorists hugging judge

4 posted on 08/17/2006 7:46:45 PM PDT by Mo1

she should be thrown out on fat butt

7 posted on 08/17/2006 7:48:36 PM PDT by Mo1

She might as well be a terrorist herself.

10 posted on 08/17/2006 7:50:15 PM PDT by onyx

Nate's personal fave - if only because I love the name "feckless crapweasel":

She is definitely todays liberal, stupid feckless crapweasel award winner. the winner gets an all expenses paid trip to Lebanon or Teheran to visit old pals. She is such a kiss ass pawn. Thanks Jimma'

12 posted on 08/17/2006 7:51:50 PM PDT by shankbear

("Jimma" a reference of course to President Carter - file under "Blame Clinton/Carter for everything")

She is a terrorist. In her ruling she said that it's ok for scholars and journalist to communicate with the enemies. This now opens the doors for anyone one with internal knowledge of secrets to leave their classified jobs then claim to be a scholar or journalist and relay secret info to the terrorist unimpeded.
17 posted on 08/17/2006 7:57:01 PM PDT by tobyhill

A truly heart-warming post from "clintonh8r":

Another RAT affirmative action appointment.....

23 posted on 08/17/2006 8:00:02 PM PDT by clintonh8r

I am not surprised. Just disgusted and outraged. All it takes is one renegade federal judge. I knew this one was a Carter or Clinton appointee.

25 posted on 08/17/2006 8:01:41 PM PDT by onyx

For the sake of America someone needs to overrule her and then promptly charge her with treason.
28 posted on 08/17/2006 8:04:45 PM PDT by tobyhill

Love this post. Remember what I said earlier about the US Constitution, 4th Amendment, and High School civics? Okay, now read this:

To me, it appears that this "decision" is little more than vomit from a partisan, Bush-hating 'RAT. More than likely, this bimbo handed down this "decision" in an effort to help out her DNC massas' "impeachment" proceedings. Now is the time for the Executive Branch to tell the "Judicial Branch, BITE ME! The Constitution does not authorize the robed gods to fight wars. It is not their job.
29 posted on 08/17/2006 8:05:26 PM PDT by FlingWingFlyer

(Somebody help me on this one - looking for the words "Bite Me" under Checks and Balances)

And just a lovely little morsel from SeaBiscuit here *tear*:

Carter and Clinton, like AIDS, the gift that keeps on giving.
30 posted on 08/17/2006 8:05:36 PM PDT by SeaBiscuit

She's a TRAITOR.
35 posted on 08/17/2006 8:08:57 PM PDT by nopardons

BTW, the ACLU judged shopped, until they found this sedition piece of garbage.
41 posted on 08/17/2006 8:13:12 PM PDT by nopardons

She's a nitwit; but a DANGEROUS nitwit.

46 posted on 08/17/2006 8:20:09 PM PDT by nopardons

If the Republicans had balls, they'd impeach and remove this clown from the bench.
2 posted on 08/17/2006 8:08:10 PM PDT by peyton randolph

Just another terrorista.
4 posted on 08/17/2006 2:51:22 PM PDT by evad

Membership in any Muslim groups?
17 posted on 08/17/2006 2:59:09 PM PDT by thoughtomator

The human excrement at the ACLU went there because they knew old mothballs was a good LIB.
22 posted on 08/17/2006 3:02:43 PM PDT by new yorker 77

If Clintoon can claim to be the first "black president", then this traitor-judge can claim to be black as well...
25 posted on 08/17/2006 3:08:17 PM PDT by TheBattman

No doubt another affirmative action appointment in the interest of multicultural diversity...
26 posted on 08/17/2006 3:08:58 PM PDT by Czar

This pig has been working for the Gubbermint nearly all her working life. Another clueless jerk bureaucrat. She also tried to subvert an affirmative action case
29 posted on 08/17/2006 3:15:29 PM PDT by dennisw

Some of the more intrepid Freepers managed to dig up Judge Diggs' verdict record - as well anyone should, could, and would, to further increase government transparancy. Ironically however, Freepers do this in order to decrease government transparancy, and increase the power of their 1984 super-secret Soviet dream-state.

Looks as though she has never had a job and has lived off of the taxpayer for all her years. A shame that she would try and give the country to the terrorist by allowing them to communicate without fear of being found out. But then she is a Democrat and Democrats are anti-American pro terrorist scum.
33 posted on 08/17/2006 3:40:29 PM PDT YOUGOTIT

Because the ACLU shopped around to get one of their supporters as the judge in this case. The ACLU and other anti-American fascist organizations always pick the judge that will rule in their favor.
34 posted on 08/17/2006 3:42:56 PM PDT YOUGOTIT

(Note: Freepers generally wouldnt know a fascist if Mussolini sieg heiled em through the eye-socket)

a judge in Michigan

Home of the largest Arab/Muslim community in the US.
36 posted on 08/17/2006 3:49:54 PM PDT by Optimist

...and so on, and so forth.

So you can see where I spend a few hours every mornin'. I should add that you too can view any these threads here & here, and contact any of the posters (Awwwwww, they even have their own wing-nut profiles).
Warning: Most Freepers are likely impotent-positive (m), libido-negative (f), and well-armed (both).

Note: The opinions expressed here in no way represent the voices of the overall conservative fundy community - only a window into their mouth-breathing minds.

Another Conspiracy Pictorial

Suddenly noticing glass-blown chandeliers everywhere. Seems to be a reoccurring NW phenomenon. Chihuly season?

Big ol' article about Chihuly in the Seattle Times last weekend. Then last night I clicked-over to PBS and saw another - a re-run about Dale melting big ice cubes somewhere in Israel. I had it on mute. I may have missed an abstract thematic element or two.

So what's the occasion?
Perhaps Chihuly farted somewhere & the usual-suspect socialite-flocks gathered around the cloud for a wine-tasting vigil (sans candles).

Or perhaps there's a darker cabal at work here. I know, can't get much darker than socialite flocks. But maybe - just maybe - some secret is trying to keep itself buried.

Yes, Chihuly is suddenly & conspicuously in the public eye again. But someone else is even more suddenly & conspicuously absent.

Anomaly:
Two moderately well-known celebs (of sorts) are never in the same place at the same time.

Modi Operandi:
Dale Chihuly at some point must lower the ravioli spoon & work-out, lest suffer a massive coronary code-out;
Richard Simmons routinely faces see-saw weight loss/gains, and must somehow conceal gains, lest lose work-out mogul revenue.



Hypotheses:
Simmons reaches maximum density, dons the classic eye-patch disguise (!!!) & orders around hippies for a few months - thus concealing weight-gain (barely);

Chihuly feels chest pain, dusts-off the pink short-shorts, & sweats to some oldies - thus putting some tock back in the ticker.

...Life from death - Phoenix from ash - and the Circle of Life starts anew...

Note: Obviously still some big unknowns remain. There's still no accounting for Simmons' twinkie voice, tippy-toe gait, or drop-of-a-hat crying-spells. Weight waxing/waning will produce strange side-affects, I suppose.