The staff here at Meet the Stress, inc. are all confirmed sieg heilers, heel-clickers, and goose-steppers for Van Halen. And by Van Halen, we are referring to the classic line-up of Eddie Van Halen, Brother Alex, Michael Anthony, and most important - Diamond David Lee Fucking Roth (ie, God).
According to this unassailable logic, Van Halen officially reached oblivion and room temperature on April 1, 1985 when Roth was booted and replaced with the devil - Sammy Hagar (aka "Bette Midler drag act", "Squinty McZubaz", "Fatty Pajamaman"). Sure, there had always been some infighting between DL-fing-R and the Halen bros. But this raises a much greater question: Why argue with God? (aka DLR)
Of course, any and all future variations on this Roth-less theme - up to and including the terrible flirtation with Gary Cherone - should also be viewed as non-canonical, blasphemous, heretical, and contrary to all natural law.
On this note, I'm proud to announce a possible long-awaited resurrection:
Billboard: "Van Halen Reuniting with Roth for Tour"
Now some cautionary notes. I covered my bases in the title: "Yes, it just might happen". Several big variables and obstacles to overcome:
A.) First and foremost, David Lee Roth and his overwhelming ego. Of course, when you're God, this goes with the territory. When DLR told Moses "Tell them 'I am' has sent you" the connotation here is that nothing exists without the supreme will of DLR, right? The VH bros just gotta deal.
B.) Michael Anthony DOA. On September 8th 2006, Eddie VH announced that Anthony was out, and that his 15 year old son Wolfgang was VH's new bassist. We all love Mike and his Jack Bass, but really - crucial VH member, or expendable? You know the answer. But it's gottta be pretty insulting to be replaced with a 15 yo punk.
C.) Three on one. Lil' Wolfie is going to be the VH bros' sock puppet. So that's Alex, Eddie, and Wolfie vs. God. This certainly could be a recipe for disaster.
D.) This is really 15 years too late. As much as we appreciate God and all his wisdom, DLR has always been pretty pretty thin on-top - and getting thinner.
...and Eddie's new corpse look doesn't sweeten the offer:
But to this I say we've seen worse - and it wasn't that bad. We saw DLR solo at Bumbershoot 2004 and he fucking ruled. We saw an overweight VH cover-band last week in Portland, and they fucking ruled. If they can all get-it-together, and if DLR can be magnanimous and benevolent with his ego (big if), it just might work.
There is always hope. There is some glue left to keep them together. This time, we must look-to and trust-in Benjamin Franklin & his clone army for some much-needed hope glue:
There are only a few shows that I've ever paid over $50 to see. Iron Maiden with Rob Halford (worth every penny). Slayer, Black Sabbath, Priest, and Iron Maiden (easily every penny). This show I am willing to spend anything. I'd say one Benji is my limit, but I'd be lying.
In leu of this exciting news, I've planted the Van Halen torch (upper-right) - claiming this blogland for VH. But more importantly - when all the variables, obstacles, and egos are tossed-aside, our friends at RothArmy.com will ignite their VH torch - and every other torch linked to it.
So there it is: Save-up your shekels, & pray daily to DLR that Benjamin Franklin's clone-army hope-glue brings it all home.