Thursday, August 05, 2004

Subway "DeLay-ed"

Terrorism. Iraq in Chaos. Weapons of Mass Destruction. Unemployment. Out of control National Debt. Rising Inflation. Stagnant Economy. (And on Fox News, a whole week of Mary Kay Latourneau!)

Yet despite these crises on our plate, how fortunate we are to have dutiful representative - Majority Leader Tom Delay - decide that our new target of national ire should be Subway. ("OH THE HUMANITY!")

Well, it is true. With Saddam out of the picture, we do need a new enemy. McDonalds is just too American. Jack in the Box - nope, Christian ownership. That leaves them goddamn healthy upstarts, Subway.

Thank God for you Tom. A man with a mission. Please put all matter of collective government priorities into "Subwaygate". Threat Level: FUCIA! In fact, I'll betcha sleuth-master Rumsfeld has some air-tight intelligence about lethal mustard-gas hidden inside a footlong Steak-n-cheese somewhere... Perhaps "in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad."

Its funny... as I sat here this April 15th paying Big Brother his share, I caught myself day-dreaming - fantasizing about all the magnificent anti-Subway campaigns that my tax dollars could fund. And now my dreams have come true.

I hate to use the words of Dick Cheney, but "Go fuck yourself" Tom. Heres to Tom Delay getting some "extra protein" in his next Cold Cut Combo.

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