Pokey the Penguin vs. Rick Wallace: The Complete Saga
(The following was compiled & emailed to me in 1999 by good friend & Gummo percussionist extraordinaire - Scott Schickler)
Long ago - circa 1997 - in an online world much smaller than ours today, there existed a comic to end all comics: Pokey the Penguin. Hooooray!
Pokey was the creation of macpaint GENIUS Steve Havelka.
Pokey had several friends & got in many uneventful situations. Some of my favorite were:
Pokey & the Pirates
Mr. Nutty
Pokey has the Unternet
All them can still be viewed here: Pokey the Penguin Archive
Also making his mark on cyberworld was one
"Rick Wallace"
Rick was a 20 year old entrepreneur & ladies man. So much a ladies man in fact, that Rick sent out a message of desperation on his webpage - much like a Sea cucumber releasing sperm:
RICK WALLACE NEEDS YOU!!!
Rick also detailed his sexual tyrannosaur prowess here:
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Rick's Dating Statistics
How many girlfriends I've ever had: 0
How many dates I've ever been on: 0
How many times I've been kissed by a girl: 0
How many times I've been hugged by a girl: 0
How many times I've ever held a girl's hand: 0
How many times a girl has ever asked me to sit with her at assembly: 0
How many times a girl has ever asked me to sit with her at vespers: 0
How many times a girl has ever asked me to sit with her at the cafeteria: 0
How many times a girl has ever asked me to sit with her at all: 0
How many times a girl has ever said 'Hello' to me: 0
How many times a girl has ever smiled at me: 0
How many girls have ever wanted to associate themselves with me: 0
How many girls probably even care: 0
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These two cyberworlds were about to collide.
One day - in the fall of 1998 - Pokey decided that Rick needed a friend - and included Rick in one of his many zany adventures...
This episode - Number 214 in the archive - is seemlingly lost; wiped clean by the cyber-sands of time... UNTIL NOW! (man was I ever bored at work last night):
Included in this Episode was a link to Rick's sperm-in-the-water webpage.
A lion's share of online bullies (ie the entire internet community circa '98) descended upon the hapless Rick Wallace - much like a pack of wolves around a weak duckling. Emails came in like hornets - stinging poor Rick... and no my friends - sadly, not one from that special girl.
Rick promptly shut-down his website... BUT TOO LATE! The Archiving internet bullies of '97 had already created multiple mirrored sights... CURSE THEM!
At his very whits-end, Rick sent several cease & desist emails to Pokey & Co.
Letter to Pokey: "Please stop"
Letter to Pokey: "Pretty please?"
Letter to Pokey: Legal threat
Despite the 3-day grace period (!!!), Pokey did not respond!
And so the hapless Rick Wallace (no relation to William Wallace - thank God) appealed to a higher power: Daddy Donald E. Wallace...
Letter from Pops Wallace to Pokey: Legal threat
This obviously upset our hero Pokey (peace be upon him, hoooooray!), & warranted a response. This letter could be the greatest response to threatened legal action:
Pokey's reply: "HAVE A VERY FUN DAY!!!!"
Of course Pokey was right, & the mirrors won the day... HOOORAY!... I mean, BOOO!! you mean ol' Cyber-bullies, BOOOO!
Sad ending? I think not. Here was the big update. Our other lonely hero Rick Wallace finally got a response to his pleas (I assume).
Wedding Album - Rick & Elizabeth Wallace
Now this is still a highly debateable development, but you be the judge, do the photos match?:
HOOORAY FOR POKEY THE PENGUIN!!!!
& HOOOORAY FOR MR. & MRS. RICK WALLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!
