Nate's Picks for 2006

I don't do requests, but I made an acception for one Bella Dulcet - our AZ blue-hearted sister (how does she do it?).

The Request: Nate's favorite & most-read political websites.

I gave-up the usual suspects:

Media Matters
Known for catching Rightwingnuts in the media on video with their pants down. Founded by David Brock - ex-GOP hitman. Herr Falafeloofa hates them - nuff said.

Blatherwatch
A locally run muckraker - similar to Media Matters. Anytime a spider farts in NW radioland, Founder/Host Michael Hood hears it. Great for unmasking the soviet-esque secrecy of corporate radio. Styblehead hates them - nuff said .

...But then she stopped me:

"No Nate, I mean the conservative wacko sites"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I said, with Sesame Street drug-dealer enthusiasm.

I look around each shoulder and then yank her into a back alley,
opening my trench coat (salacious, no?)

"conservative wacko sites?", she whispers.
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight"

See, much like Lefty the Salesman trying to sell Ernie a "Q" for a nickel, my growing collection of wack-job conservative websites is a dark art - a secret rite, if you will. I could tell you, but the knowledge alone just might kill you...

...But what the hell, it's the fucking holidays, right? I wanna see some death!
Without further ado:

Nate's favorite Right-wing resources:
Moving from the surface towards the earth's core...

Drudgereport.com
An "Enquirer for wingnuts" of sorts (Actually, I'm pretty sure the Enquirer is more accurate). Quite a suck-sess story: Founder Matt Drudge was a Deli manager in DC, and had an ear for gossip. Running an email news service from his CPU, he was the first to uncover, break, and run-with the Lewinsky scandal. Pretty much the Godfather of modern pajama-journalism - left or right.

Unfortunatly, Drudge's scoop on Lewinsky was one of his last & only Bulls-eyes. For the most part, he now relies on shotgun/grenade journalism - printing anything anyone spits his way (against liberals/progressives), and every once in a while, he'll be right. Other than that, you'll also find celeb scandals 'o plenty here.

Note: Drudge loves to delete his archives when he's proven wrong/libelous.

Orbusmax.com
A local drudgereport with less celeb scandal poop. Orbus takes most of his national headlines (right column) from WorldNetDaily,(see below) Newsmax, & MichelleMalkin. Because he's always using other right-wing-nuts as sources, Orbusmax is one of the worst offenders for right-wing recycle bin-echo chambers. Ironically, many SeaWA talk-show hosts take there talking-points straight from Orbusmax.
(listen to KIRO's Frank Shiers while reading Orbusmax.)

OH! and Orbusmax is famous for using this headline Mad Lib tactic:
____________________________________________UNHINGED!
(anytime a progressive decides to speak their mind)

Before I die, I want Orbusmax to say "Merciful Nate - UNHINGED". Which brings us to...

WorldNetDaily.com
I find it endlessly amusing that Orbusmax picks through haystacks for unhinged liberal pins, when EVERY door in WorldNetDaily has been ripped out & stored back in Uncle Cletus' shed. Fundy Ayatollahs UNHINGED. Actually, WND is a very useful and inspiring site - great for many of my favorite blog-games:

* Compare/contrast WorldNetDaily headline with TheOnion or LandoverBaptist headline. One's an Ayatollah Fundy site. Two are parodies. Spot the difference.

* Right Wing Cannibalism: WorldNetDaily is so far right, sometimes they fall off the edge and try to pull the rest into the pool with em. Great for finding posts on Bush/Immigration back-biting, GOP sex scandals, & even Fundy vs. Fundy!

OH! And where the hell else are you gonna read Chuck-fucking-Norris' latest collumn? Huh? HUH? Yeah, thats what I fuckin thought.

Note: the following advert GIF is currently up and flashing on WorldNetDaily:

(yipes)

And now folks - The very deepest of pits (Thats right, WorldNetDaily was only a Sub-basement), I give you:

FreeRepublic.com
Don't let their low-tech advert-lite environment fool you! FreeRepublic is the largest online posting arena for fun-loving, Red-state, Bush-lovin, Sheep-minded, Fundy Ayatollahs (nicknamed "Freepers"). Picture in your mind Tim Eyman & Pat Robertson. Now mix together & arm heavily. Now multiply several thousand times. Yeah, yikes.

Even better than WorldNetDaily for blog-games. My favorite?

* Song of the Freepers: Pluck a story from the news that you know wingnuts will hate, then plunk it into FP's search engine up top. A larger collection of unhinged wing-nuts you will never find. Harborzoo Med Center on a Friday night has nothing on this. Seriously, this could be the greatest political blog generator ever.

* Tears of the Freepers: When the Dems started to sweep congress this year, my first thought was: "Hmmmm, I wonder what the Freepers are doing". The link above gives you the greatest sequence of internet posts ever: From excited, to anxious, to pissed, to threatening(!), to crying in their oats. For progressive inner-schadenfreude vampires everywhere. Feast on their tears!

And even better: Every single unhinged wingnut comes complete with their very-own myspace-esque profile. Here's just a sample "Kronos77"

Warning: Before contacting and/or playing happy-joy-joy myspace-friends with freepers, remember that most of them are more than likely impotent-positive (m), libido-negative (f), and well-armed (both)

So there you go, Bella Dulcet et al - Nate's picks for 2006.

"It'll cost ya just a Nickel"

"A NICKEL!!"

"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

whispers: "A Nickel"

"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT"

The Beast Speaks (again again)

Sorry folks. Been a bit under the weather as of late. But without further ado...

Well, he's at it again.

Yes, once again Pat Robertson has descended the Sinai heights to bring us good news. Oh I'm sorry....thats not true, good news is something Christ is supposed to bring. Pat brings us this instead:

God is warning of Big storms, Robertson says
"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Robertson said May 8. On Wednesday, he added, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

As noted before here and here, Pat Robertson is always a reliable train-wreck.

Don't believe me? Turn the tele over to UPN 11 this morning (& every morning) at 9am. The first 10 minutes or so of 700 club "News stories" are immediately followed by Pat commentary. Did I say Pat commentary? I meant raw, unscripted, cue-cards-out-the-window, PAT. Remember to have a hair-trigger finger on that VCR/TiVo record button.

(Word of warning: The preceding show - "Daily Buzz" - is endlessly more painful than the 700 Club. Trust me)

But this whole "God hates fags/Sends destruction/Kills fags" scenario got me thinking. Maybe Pat has something here. Not about the fags. But certainly about the relationship between Natural disasters & "What God hates". Bare with me now.

Let's just look at the prime US candidate for God's wrath: Tornado Alley. Heres a nice little map from our friends at NOAA:


Now who could God be punishing in this scenario?
I've got a pretty goddamn good idea. Compare with this map showing the GOP/Dem voting patterns for 2004:

Notice how them-there twisters coincidentaly miss all them-there True-Blue-Dixie-Chick-traitor counties. Did I say coincidence? Well, as we all well know from listening to Pat et al, with God in charge there are no coincidences. Taken together, only one conclusion can be drawn.

Thats right, you heard it here first. Nate just returned from Mount Sinai with truly good news: God hates Republicans.

The Beast Barfs! (again)

"Robertson Suggests (Sharon) Stroke Is Divine Rebuke"
I think finally the main stream media understands what I've known since I was a small child. Every morning in the Late-70s and Early-80s at around 7am, you could set your sun-dial on my TV viewing habit: Starblazers. Unfortunately, sometimes I would arrive at the glowing orb too soon, catching the tail-end of Pat Robertson's 700 club.

BUT, through years of unintentional exposure to this, I learned some important lessons:
A.) As you can see by the photo above, when Pat prays he also looks like he's 'grinding one off'
B.) More importantly, the 700 club begins with several news segments - each coverring "important news stories" (read: important to fundy nutters), & each immediately followed by several moments of sans que-cards, unscripted, raw Pat. Sit down, listen carefully, write everything down that you can, & be entertained.

And now it looks like the news giants are finally paying attention (& getting paid plenty). Now it doesnt happen everyday, but with a careful study of events - not unlike my Halloween & Christmas /Tea-leaves & entrails news searches - one can safely predict the unscripted, 8.9 richter-scale, Pat-gasm.

It's fairly simple. News about Israel? Listen to Pat the following day. News involving gay marriage? Again, Pat. News about a major national disaster? Lets go live to NateTV news analyst, Pat. News about a natural disaster that followed a gay marriage in Israel? You know who's gonna toss some off-the-cuff cookies, and then give a long poo-faced prayer.

Along with TBN's long list of unintended cult classic movies (go see "Left Behind" & "Megiddo - Omega Code 2" ASAFP), "The Best of Pat Gone Wild!" must be promptly released on DVD. There's gold in them there hills. .

(Wo)man the trenches!

"Druggists refuse to give out pill"
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2004-11-08-druggists-pill_x.htm

"I refuse to dispense a drug with a significant mechanism to stop human life," says Karen Brauer, president of the 1,500-member Pharmacists for Life International.

I'm starting to wonder why our boys are fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan, when we have plenty of these Taliban shit-wads at home!

Victory with strings

The Republicans & Bush are now acting like it's "all them". And it is all them in a sense - both houses and the presidency under their control. But there are still big limits, and Bush's victory has consequences.

First off, Bush & Rove relied heavily on Religious conservatives acting on "values" - with 11 anti-gay ballot initiatives, they prodded their faithful en masse to the polls (something again, that we missed out on with the 18-34 crowd). But this victory may very well be a poison pill and an achilles' heel: the GOP is not made up of only the Religious value-based conservatives. There are economic conservatives (Schwartzenegger, Gulianni, etc) and Libertarians who go with lesser-of-two-evils but cannot stand the religious nuts. Added to this, under the umbrella of "religious conservatives" you have a RAINBOW of different value-systems, some of them diametrically opposed to one another: Protestants vs. Catholics, Baptists vs. Mormons, Pentacostal vs. Traditionalist, HELL - even Baptist vs. Baptist (southern v. ecumenical), and Methodist vs. Methodist (United v. Free v. Wesleyan). Appealling to one, will cause squabbling between them all. This happened before (see: the English civil war and the general European religious civil wars), and it can happen again! Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

These religious conservatives are going to see Bush's victory as a mandate, but if Bush runs with their agenda, he's gonna hit a brick wall, because the other GOP factions will split. A victory, but a poisoned victory.

Swaggart urges breaking of 2 commandments!

Actually, he may also have broken the "fire in a crowded theatre" clause from 1st amendment (attn: FBI):

"I'm trying to find the correct name for it ... this utter absolute, asinine,
idiotic stupidity of men marrying men. ... I've never seen a man in my life I
wanted to marry. And I'm gonna be blunt and plain; if one ever looks at me like that, I'm gonna kill him and tell God
he died."

Video of this threat from JSM here - forward to 36:30

So the FCC will go after Howard Stern for making doody jokes, but will not go after Jimmy Swaggart for making an open threat against gay people.

Notice the rousing affirmation from his Nuremburg... I mean, New Orleans congregation. The FBI would be wise to profile this audience with future attacks on homosexuals.

Nate Reviews: "Left Behind"

This could possibly be the best unintentional cult-flick since reefer madness - and I mean that in the movie genre sense, and in the Christian fundamentalist sense.

My friend and I took a gander and watched this would-be Christian prostelitizing tool. It was one of our more worthy blind-rentals. Our laughter kept our neighbors awake, and kept us in seizures the whole time.

Kirk "Too straight for Growing Pains" Cameron is in rare form as ace-reporter (get this): BUCK WILLIAMS. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! This just gives you a taste of this propagandist turd/cult-movie gem. Seriously, no excersize will compare to the ab-flexing torturous yucks that Left Behind provides.

I have not yet viewed the straight-to-video sequel, but it also stars "Buck Cameron" (hee hee) and if its anything like Left Behind, you may have to stretch before viewing. But I should add that the TBN network (home of the future cult-TV favorite: Benny Hinn), is host to an undiscovered treasure-trove of this 'tainment. My friend and I, still sore from "Buck and Co.", ran back and rented "Megiddo: Omego Code II". This one features burned-out-has-been Michael York ("Stone Alexander" hee hee), and a cameo by the digitally animated Big Man Downstairs himself! - no joke.

I think Jesus said it best: "Forgive them Lord, they know not what they do"

See this and my other reviews at:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00004YS9G/qid=1095426890/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-6110961-8112763?v=glance&s=dvd

Spot the difference

Found a few good religious websites (psuedo and otherwise):

"The Child Care action Project"
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/

This page is great. It takes a "chapter and verse" "biblical view"on the Box office. A score of 100 gives a film a "perfect G" rating (Mary Poppins claims this honor)... A score of 0 condemns a movie to hell.... lol

What I love doing with this page is taking a gander on "absolute 0". Basically, think-up a movie that is full of Violence, Sex, Nudity, and Foul language... then see how they rate it. See how close you can get to 0. OR, see if you can actually blow-up the machine!! wooo-hooo! (movies which cause this reviewer to walk-out). I wont give away my absolute 0 winners - you'll have to just try yourself

"Landover Baptist"
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/

Next to the Onion.com, this is my second favorite parody site. Includes commentary by the infamous Betty Bowers: "God told me to hate you". Nuff said - just give it a surf, you'll love it.

All hail Ali G!

James Broadwater - arch-conservative christian - was "ambushed" by Mr. Sacha Baron Cohen, AKA Ali G (AKA GENIUS). Apparently Mr. Broadwater agreed to do the HBO interview under the aspices that it was with a reporter from Kazakhstan (desiring to obtain a US political perspective).

This exchange says it all. What a riot:

Borat: I want to go to this place heaven. Which religion must I choose to go there?
Broadwater: The Christian Bible says that Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven.
Borat: If people choose the Jews, will they go heaven or hell?
Broadwater: Well, I would have to say that they would go to hell.
http://www.lnreview.co.uk/media/journal/002651.php

Net result? Say buh-bye to your "Friend of Israel" status - and bu-bye to your campaign (lost in the primary, thank GOD).

But it gets better. Broadwater's disclaimer response didn't really soften his view, nor improve his "Friend of Israel" rating :

"...everyone who rejects Him will spend eternity in Hell, because he has rejected the Only Begotten Son of God"
http://www.jamesbroadwater.com/HBO.html

He then adds:

"The Bible says, "Silence the mocker and strife will cease," and this stunt pulled by HBO is just one more reason why I believe that the liberal, anti-God media needs to be brought under the strict control of the FCC, and that as soon as possible."

Great. I'm so glad our boys are fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan to protect the Taliban at home.

Boyashaka! RESPEC!