Snakes on a Plane

The Plot:

"On board a flight over the Pacific Ocean, an assassin, bent on killing a passenger who's a witness in protective custody, lets loose a crate full of deadly snakes" (IMDB)

Once again, the name of the Movie: Snakes on a Plane! Good lord, does this ever spark my curiousity! Just what can we expect from this non-stop action-packed thrill-ride? And what creative GENIUS marketing team barfed-forth this title? Well, this gets a tad cloudy, but it looks like all thanks goes to non-other than Samuel L Jackson:

"The studio tried to change the flick's name to Pacific Air Flight 121 earlier this year, but star Samuel L. Jackson balked, saying the original title ('Snakes on a Plane') was a big reason he signed on." (wired.com)

Good move, Sammy J. What could go wrong with that? I can see it now: Tyler & Melissa (big thanks for the alert you two) and yours truly sit in an empty theatre. The lights dim. The credits roll:
New Line Cinema presents... A Craig Berensen production... Samuel L Jackson...

Snakes on a Plane!
(dramatic music blasts)
Oh man, stomach so tight right now. I gotta go sit down & breath into a bag before I blow a gasket.

I could be wrong, but I do believe that if the above scenario occurs, I may break some ribs.

Medical Madness

I glanced passed this on someone's "funny photos" page, but here's the punchline: Oh dude, this is real.

Olympic Medical - "Papoose board"

Sweet fancy moses. I would say I was glad that these werent around when I was younger, but they come in ADULT sizes.

Hands up - who sees me in one these before the end of the year?

Freak Collection, Part VII: Mother Goose

Computer just crashed. Yes, literally crashed. The shelf holding it gave-away, and it hit ground-zero - yanking out all the connections.

Mother & Elderfreak were at the desk watching this happen. Mother just started laughing. I got down on the knees & started trying to get it all put back together. Cords too short - had to pretzel my arm around & blindly poke at holes (this ever happen to you? heheh).

But Mother watched me & just kept laughing (& laughing & laughing...)

"Oh, look how cute Nate looks when he's all frusterated. hahahahah", she said. Bah! ("You'll pay for that later in my blog", I said to myself, clenching a fist).

Then she started to monkey around. Mother picks up the desk phone & just starts randomly pressing numbers, laughing hysterically.

"I think I now know where (MMR) gets it from", I said. Elderfreak heartily agreed.

THEN, Mother nudges a pop can off the edge of the counter (empty, thank cuthulu):

"Oooops. Hahahahahahah!"

This went on for half an hour. Happy happy joy joy.

Mother informed me that they'd all be out by the weekend. No worries, they'll all be IN my apt building after that! I saw that Mother was in an especially liggy mood, so I built up enough courage to say:

"You know, with all 3 of you in that apt, you should strongly consider calling NBC or Fox & having them send over a camera crew. This has Reality TV written all over it"

"Yeah, that-there is a good idea. Lord knows I'll have my hands full"

I think a group photo is in order. Actual wildlife photography would be the ultimate, no?

Note: In other news from work, there's a new fish in the tank on the 5th floor that completely FREAKS OUT when anyone gets too close. I think you know what happened next

FRESH FISH! FRESH FISH! FRESH FISH! *tap tap tap tap tap tap*

I think I made it do a triple-sowcow.

New Characters, Part VI: Mother Pumpkin

No, not Sister Christian - Mother Pumpkin

No groundbreaking developments in the lives of Elder, Mother & MMR. Well, not unless you include another night of exodus for MMR. Apparently, she took off from the overlords (again), & then got lost somewhere in Seattle. I asked Elder whereabouts she was, and he said "she wouldnt tell us". Note: Elder confirmed the earlier report that MMR is in her 40s (43).

Mother came down later, & we had a pretty lengthy discussion about Pierre Trudeau. Yeah, I still can't remember how that started. At one point she mentioned going to a Pro-life demo in Olympia next week, and invited yours truly. I respectively declined... but now I'm having second thoughts. Imagine the material one could glean from that Pro-life roadtrip with the clan, no?

During this discussion, MMR briefly poked her head around the corner and Mother screamed "You git right back upstairs and go to bed now". MMR giggled, emitted a few squeaks and left. MMR tends to make her appearances this way - the peak around the corner. Which is funny, because it always suprises me (joyfully) - a feeling much like a baby during a round of peak-a-boo.

The grandfather clock struck 12 and Mother exclaimed: "Well, I better get to bed before I git turned into a pumpkin!".

I said, "Well that would be an interesting security call"

"What would you say?", she asked

"Oh, I'd probably report a missing person, and then ask them to bring over a carving knife, candle & some pie crust" (har har)

Laughs

"Don't worry, I promise that I will turn you into a FANTASTIC jack-o-lantern", I said, sizing-up her head in a finger-frame.

Laughs

Note: Mother actually closely resembles (both in looks & legalistic beliefs) my mom's aunt Marie - a favorite of mine. Perhaps this explains my growing fondness for her clan.

Or perhaps at one point we were all seperated from the same pod when the visitors landed.

Conservative Cannibalism

See, this is why it's good to check the right-wing weblogs/news services. More times than you think, they will let out one of their "sweet secrets".

This time, a feud between two RELIGIOUS conservatives (& you were worried they were unified): From World Net Daily, Hal Lindsey - nutcase apocalypse predictor, has parted ways with TBN - home to crazy make-up smearing crybabies, swindlers, "Left Behind - the Movie", and other soon-to-be cult classics.

"Best-selling author says Christian network tried to muzzle his views on radical Islam"

From John Casoria, TBN's general counsel:

"TBN is a worldwide ministry; we have an entire channel that airs 24 hours a day, seven days a week in Arabic," he said. "We are trying to reach the Islamic world and open a dialogue with them regarding Christ and Christianity."

Let the back-biting begin! Be sure to encourage these miscreants to continue feasting on their brethrens' flesh. Better theirs than ours!

Note: World Net Daily declares: "Hal Lindsey, considered the best-selling non-fiction writer alive today"... uh, insert joke here.

Note 2: 1st place award for "Worlds Biggest Woodchuck" goes to - Hal Lindsey


2nd place award goes to WND founder Joseph Farah


The Bronze goes to my dad (no photo avail, but those who know him - testify!)

The Beast Barfs! (again)

"Robertson Suggests (Sharon) Stroke Is Divine Rebuke"
I think finally the main stream media understands what I've known since I was a small child. Every morning in the Late-70s and Early-80s at around 7am, you could set your sun-dial on my TV viewing habit: Starblazers. Unfortunately, sometimes I would arrive at the glowing orb too soon, catching the tail-end of Pat Robertson's 700 club.

BUT, through years of unintentional exposure to this, I learned some important lessons:
A.) As you can see by the photo above, when Pat prays he also looks like he's 'grinding one off'
B.) More importantly, the 700 club begins with several news segments - each coverring "important news stories" (read: important to fundy nutters), & each immediately followed by several moments of sans que-cards, unscripted, raw Pat. Sit down, listen carefully, write everything down that you can, & be entertained.

And now it looks like the news giants are finally paying attention (& getting paid plenty). Now it doesnt happen everyday, but with a careful study of events - not unlike my Halloween & Christmas /Tea-leaves & entrails news searches - one can safely predict the unscripted, 8.9 richter-scale, Pat-gasm.

It's fairly simple. News about Israel? Listen to Pat the following day. News involving gay marriage? Again, Pat. News about a major national disaster? Lets go live to NateTV news analyst, Pat. News about a natural disaster that followed a gay marriage in Israel? You know who's gonna toss some off-the-cuff cookies, and then give a long poo-faced prayer.

Along with TBN's long list of unintended cult classic movies (go see "Left Behind" & "Megiddo - Omega Code 2" ASAFP), "The Best of Pat Gone Wild!" must be promptly released on DVD. There's gold in them there hills. .

Crybaby

Wuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!

My husband is about to get a LIFETIME appointment to
the Supreme Court, and the Senate is being mean to him...
Wuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!

Okay let me get this straight. First and foremost, Martha-Ann Bomgardner (wife to SC nominee Samuel Alito) started crying during the questioning by a REPUBLICAN! (GOP Senator Lindsey Graham, South Carolina):

"After sitting behind Samuel Alito for two days of intense questioning at his Supreme Court confirmation hearing, she left the room during questioning of her husband by Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina."
~Washington Post

But secondly, get a fucking grip lady. It's not like your hubby was killed by an IED in Iraq, or a mine explosion in W Virginia! No, Samuel Alito - who arguably has a checkered past as a judge - is facing the NATURAL checks and balances of the US government. Again, he's been nominated to recieve a LIFETIME appointment to the US Supreme Court. Did she think the Senate would play paddy-cake with him?

So suck it the fuck up. Take a Civics 101 course - or at the very least, google search "checks & balances". Then, in the words famously spoken by one Jim Francis to wife Patty (@ 9am in the morning):

"SHUDDUP AND GOTA BED!!!!"

(PS, sniff sniff - I smell a publicity stunt)